There is an interesting thing that has started happening recently.
I have been writing my religion blog for a little over a month now and it is growing slowly. I was interviewed in Vice and am being read and followed by people that I have no connection with. Which is all cool. I feel impatient with it still, as in I want things to be growing faster than they are, but things are still moving along nicely.
But that's not the interesting thing. Over the last few weeks, I have been getting emails from people who read the blog. They tell me how much it has impacted them and challenged their thinking. They tell me how they share my essays with their friends and they all really love my writing and how I have respect for people of faith while still challenging their beliefs. It's very validating.
It reminds me that I am particularly good at this sort of thing. When I read these messages, I feel a bit like a sage or sometimes even a pastor. Some holy mystical writer celebrating doubt and compassion.
But what's interesting about all of this is that none of the people in my daily life know or care about any of this.
I only know of one actual real life friend who reads the blog. And he doesn't really count because he is acting as my editor. A lot of my friends tell me that they "need to" read it and will once they "have time." And that hurts a little. It hurts because I need people to share it so I can expand my readership.
But it also hurts a little because of how very important this is to me. I spend hours on it every week and would love to receive a little real-life praise for it, or much better, to actually talk about the content of what I write. That feedback—both positive and negative—would help inform what I write about. It would key me into what is resonating and what is confusing and whether or not I am totally wrong on some things. But really, it comes down to wanting to feel valued and important by the people that are valuable and important in my life.
And this is all also interesting with my work life.
I work at a coffee shop that borders on an incredibly wealthy neighborhood and a financial district. For two to three minutes at a time, I have conversations with multi-millionaires and wall street brokers and we pretty much just talk about the weather or whatever question of the day that I come up with to stave off my boredom (i.e. what was your favorite book as a kid? What are your musical guilty pleasures? etc).
I wonder what they actually think of all of us in the coffee shop. They know our names, but that's about it.
When they think of me—if they think of me—it is probably just as a goofy stoner barista. It's kind of neat in a sense. It's like the perfect alter ego. Mild mannered coffee shop dude by day, secret emerging thought leader on Evangelical Christian culture by night. It's a fun thought.
(and I know no one is thinking of me as an emerging thought leader yet. But they will. And that might sound arrogant, but I am really just trying to keep that visualization in place. But really, whether or not I am ever "successful" is irrelevant. This is how I will spend my life regardless)
Nonetheless, it all makes me feel a bit lonely and isolated.
I want the beautiful woman who works in marketing to see that I am more than just a guy in his mid-thirties working a dead-end job. I would love for some of these retired and bored millionaires to take an interest in my project and maybe throw a few bucks my way.
But I suppose all of this is just ego. And that is not what I am trying to be about.
I must remember to just be about the quality of the work. If it is meant to be elevated, it will be.
And in the meantime, I must remember to be mindful and compassionate and playful and warm hearted because that's all who I actually am. It is only when I feel unloved that I start pretending to be someone else. I am most loveable when I am just me. And there is a good chance that beautiful woman who works in marketing could be seduced by nothing more than that.
I am worthy of love even if I never write another damn thing.
6:54 a.m. - 2017-04-25
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