Hello.
I want to start by saying that this is different than when I wrote to you when I was younger.
I wrote then as an exercise in keeping my mind pure; to focus on the future instead of present temptation.
But this is not that.
I am 36 and I haven't met you yet. I hope I do, but I might not.
It would be somewhat poetic for a man who has always dreamed of being married to remain forever single. Sleeping with a variety of women, never settling down, living the life married men are always caricatured of wishing they had. But I, I have always dreamed of having a wife. Maybe it is my desire for such a thing that has kept me from it.
Or maybe I am still working through a lifetime of trauma and am not yet ready to be in a real, long-lasting, healthy relationship.
Who knows. It's besides the point.
I wanted to write to you tonight, my dear presently hypothetical future wife, because I wanted to visualize you.
And I wanted to say thank you for the specific characteristics that you have.
Yes, this is a bunch of Law of Attraction shit. I am visualizing you being affably skeptical of it.
It's okay though, we will playfully debate about it all the time. As we will most things. It'll be cute, though it'll get on both of our nerves on the days that we aren't feeling it.
Anyway.
Thank you for your positivity and impossible joy. Thank you for your laughter and loving, adoring eyes.
Thank you for understanding my need for verbal affirmation and reassurance. Thank you for not needing me to ask, but just leaving notes in my pocket or just randomly telling me that you adore me.
Thank you for understanding that I am a highly anxious and sensitive person and accepting all the mood swings that come with that.
Thank you for being patient when I need alone time and being gracious when I need to cuddle.
Thank you for seeing me as a safe place where you can deposit your secrets and your treasures and all the knick-knacks from your past.
Thank you for your playfulness; for building pillow forts with me; for dressing up in costume whenever we have the chance; for bursting into song with me at the grocery store.
Thank you for your intelligence; your curiosity, your sense of awe and love of mystery; thank you for your desire to always understand before passing judgement. Thank you for asking deep and personal and probing questions, even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Thank you for your eclectic taste in books and music and film. Thank you for sharing your world with me and for decorating our apartment in ways that make visitors feel they have traveled through time. Thank you for the incredibly unique fashion sense.
Thank you for being so comfortable and bold in your sexuality. Thank you for being so open and adventurous and sexy. Thank you for the surprise lingerie and for our good fortune that our kinks match up. And regardless of whether we decide to be monogamous, thank you for recognizing human nature and doing your best not to be jealous (and reminding me of that the times I get jealous).
Thank you for being excited and supportive of my hopes and dreams. Thank you for having such wonderful dreams so that I can support them with authenticity.
Thank you for slow dances to Nat King Cole alone in our apartment.
There is so much more to thank you for, but I will stop here.
Wherever you are, I hope you have a beautiful view of the stars tonight. I hope the pain in your heart is muted by the perfect song. I hope that right now you feel a phantom kiss on your lips and a slight caress on your neck.
Until we meet,
-R
7:00 p.m. - 2017-04-16
Recent entries:
Opening my eyes, stretching my arms - 2017-05-27
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A Prophet is Not Recognized in His Own Town - 2017-04-25
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