The sadness hit me like a better metaphor than a ton of bricks on Thursday.
I was doing fine, better than fine. Then I descended into severe depression so fast it made my ears pop and briefly gave me vertigo.
I have guesses as to why.
Perhaps the influx of serotonin and dopamine from a series of recent adventures finally crashed, leaving me feeling depleted and hormonal and just fucking sad.
Or perhaps it is that I tend to absorb people's energy and one of my closest friends (who I share a strong emotional bond with) is approaching the anniversary of when her husband tried to kill her and is reeling in pain right now. My heart is broken in its powerlessness to help, and I can feel little hints of what she is feeling.
Or perhaps the energy I am picking up on is from Amy.
The topic of my religion blog this week was the sexual shame caused by the church (read it at theholyapostate.com if you'd like. It's not horrible).
Anyway, Amy is a woman who I suspect more and more is in love with me. I went to bible school with her brother and reconnected with her via Facebook last year. She writes me these thousand word missives a few times a week.
What I already knew about Amy was that outside of her brother, I am the only man in her life that will listen to her or expresses any concern for her well-being. I know her dad fucked over the family financially and then had a stroke, leaving her to give up her dreams in her early twenties so that she could financially provide for her mom who can't work because of health concerns. I already knew she was deeply lonely.
What I didn't know until she wrote a response to my blog this week was that though she is 46, she is still a virgin and has never been in a real relationship. I am not sure she has ever been kissed.
She told me that she has written letters to her future husband since she was thirteen, but stopped last year because she was discouraged that he'd never come along.
Amy breaks my heart. I know that kind of loneliness, but I cannot imagine it amplified to the level that she experiences every day. I also can sense the attachment that she has placed on me. She understands, I think, that we will not be together, but attachment happens to all of us sometimes, despite what we logically "know."
So maybe that's why I am sad.
Or maybe I am sad because I am deeply lonely myself.
I have all these exciting things happening right now, but no one that I can really truly openly share that with; no one I can gush to and who will care about all the minutiae and be concerned with how obsessive I can get and who will wrap her body around me when I am panicky or in a lot of physical pain.
And my friend Mike is in this new relationship and it is so healthy and open and fun. It makes me jealous.
I want to be somebody's first pick. I want to make it to the top five of someone's priority list.
I am adventuring alone. Hearing people's confessions and pain like a priest. Unable to find my own confessor.
And the first part of that equation is great. I am honored that people consider me a safe place. I don't think I can do much to help other than listen, but listening is a very big thing.
But I am not good at letting other people's pain go once I've heard it. I feel it and then keep feeling it. And then it mixes with my own shit.
And I hate the feeling of being so alone and so desperate for a real, healthy partnership while there are women who I know are interested and who I have turned down.
It's like dying of thirst and being presented with salt water. It is so tempting to drink it, but it's not going to help.
So today, I will go alone to get breakfast and then spend the day alone researching and writing.
I will find a way to do some self-care. I will pick myself up. I will keep manning the fort, knowing that reinforcements will not be arriving.
I will survive this. I will thrive again.
But everything feels miserable right now.
7:11 a.m. - 2017-04-09
Recent entries:
Hello, Old Friend. - 2017-05-21
Puzzle piece - 2017-05-19
Jaime - 2017-05-17
A Prophet is Not Recognized in His Own Town - 2017-04-25
A Letter to my Future Wife - 2017-04-16
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
holdensolo
loveherwell
lust-
bantenhut
nudeplatypus
comebacktome
musicman575
i-lost-sarah
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
cybers1ut
meffinmisfit
movingsands
the-grey-one
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
i-am-jack
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
mojo1915
dudemanflab
aryssa90
baby--girl
alwaysinhim
cindylou03
gr8legs
greenstar7
krunkjazz
spittingame