My confidence is slipping,
I put on my worry and anxiety and insecurity like a well-worn coat.
Everything that I hold just crumbles, crumbles away like dust.
One thing I've noticed about myself philosophically, is that I am largely suspect of the superiority of reason.
I don't think humans are good at rationality. I believe our logic is limited, our perspectives are shortsighted. I stand with Kierkegaard in the belief that humans do not make rational decisions. We make emotional decisions which we later try to justify with reason.
And I think that I believe this is true because my mental illness constantly confirms it.
I always feel like I am rational. My decisions and beliefs about the world always seem ironclad in logic.
But what I am realizing lately is that my reason and logic come to vastly different conclusions depending entirely on how I am feeling at any given moment.
Today, I feel sad. I feel lonely. My mind feels muddied.
So when I think about the world and my relation to it, there is a sad and lonely and muddied tint.
It is like looking at a negative image of a photograph. What stands out, what is prominent in the image, is exactly the opposite of what I noticed even just a few days ago when I was on top of the world.
The Truth, of course, is somewhere between the two views. Always unseen by me.
And if it is true that our thoughts dictate our reality, then it makes perfect sense that my reality is so often tense and confusing.
I feel like I am being tossed back and forth by the swirling winds of my emotional being.
My thoughts are so exhausting.
Right now, I don't even want to find Truth. I don't care about the future. I can't bother to want all the things that I want.
I just want peace of mind.
I just want to stop the back and forth.
I want to just be.
And I can never know if that is the rational or right thing to want.
And it will all change in a day or so anyway. Soon I will feel once again that I can do anything.
As Jenny Lewis once sang:
"Sometimes when you're on, you are really fucking on
and your friends they sing along and they love you
but the lows are so extreme that the good feels fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence."
I would give up the highs if I could give up the lows.
Dear Buddha: Show me the middle way.
Dear Brain: shut the fuck up already. Or at least get us out of this mess.
Dear Heart: feel whatever you feel. I am not blaming you. But I also don't think you should be in the driver's seat anymore.
10:23 a.m. - 2017-03-01
Recent entries:
Kind of a Weird Day - 2017-04-02
row, row, row your boat - 2017-03-29
Feeling Good. - 2017-03-18
Hard to say Np - 2017-03-14
Stuff. - 2017-03-07
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