When people ask me about my trip to Las Vegas last weekend, my honest response has been that it was both a wonderful and horrible time. Often simultaneously.
The two friends I went with are hilarious and had me crying in laughter for a good majority of the time that I was there.
We took edibles and walked around all night and took in the lights. It was fantastic.
I bet one time. I put 5 bucks on my birthday number on the roulette wheel. I won $379.
There was amazing food and excellent drink and the desert air cleared my allergies and the cough that I have had for months.
But at the same time...
The only thing I really wanted for the weekend was to really cut loose and embrace every single hedonistic opportunity that came my way.
Sex, drugs, rock and roll. I wanted it all.
I wanted to go to nightclubs and stripclubs and get shit faced and hook up with as many people as possible.
None of that happened at all.
But the good news (if it can be called that) is that it wasn't me getting in my own way this time. I remained positive and willing and confident.
The problem (if it can be called that) was my friend Zak.
And I already don't want to call him a problem, even though he was. I don't want to call him a problem because I know exactly what he was feeling. I have felt it myself often. I have written about it on here a lot.
Zak has an issue with confidence. Especially around women. He is 30 or 31 and has never really been in a relationship. He's still a virgin, and I suspect has never been kissed.
He's a bigger guy and certainly has some insecurities about that, but I am guessing there is something more there.
I can recognize my depression, anxiety, and terribly low self-worth in him. Probably some of that religious shame around his sexuality too.
At one point, he told us how he almost dated someone but didn't want to put her through what he considered to be horrible experience of being with him. He does not feel deserving of love at all.
Anyway, because of this he didn't want to go to any nightclubs or stripclubs. Whenever it was that I found a beautiful girl to talk to (and I did several times), she would naturally be with her group of friends and so I would naturally look to my friends to help me out. The three of us joining the three of them for drinks. Give me a chance to charm the young lady in question.
But my friends would always have fled already. Zak felt uncomfortable being around women at all. He even told one of the guys offering free limo rides to the stripclub that he did not have the confidence to be in a room with naked women. The guy hugged him.
And so I was disappointed. Sometimes even a little angry.
I have been suffering for a long time. I was now in this den of pleasure and was desperate to not only find some respite, but also to really turn things around. Though I was so close, I remained denied.
I found myself even kind of sad flying back.
But I've realized over these last few days, that the trip really did transform me.
There is something about listening to someone else list off the same excuses that you have been using for years to make you realize that they are pure bullshit.
There is something about looking your friend in the eye and sincerely telling him that he is desirable and sexy and worthy of love that sinks into your own heart as well.
And not for nothing, I talked to and briefly charmed some beautiful women. It didn't work out the way I wanted it to, but that doesn't really matter. It showed me that this all isn't that hard. And if I just leave my apartment, if I just flirt a little, I will end up just fine.
I am looking at myself differently since I have gotten back.
I am no longer trying to convince myself that I am worthy of love, I just kind of believe it.
And since I just kind of believe it, I am free to think about other things and connect with other people in a more genuine way.
I have felt that kind of confidence before. It was small and fleeting.
This time it feels more secure. I hope it lasts.
Either way, I should amend more earlier description.
Vegas was a wonderful experience.
Life changing.
5:07 p.m. - 2017-02-05
Recent entries:
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Feeling down - 2017-03-01
I still think The Secret is bullshit, but... - 2017-02-24
A long rough draft of the memoir. Seriously, it's super long. - 2017-02-12
I am a bit blown away - 2017-02-11
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