Alysson sat in front of me in my History of Slavery class this last semester.
She is so beautiful that at first whenever I tried to talk to her, my voice would crack a little.
When I organized a study group for midterms, she was the only one that showed up. And I developed quite a crush.
She is intelligent and funny and passionate and empathetic.
I asked her out. Something that I am normally to shy to do. She said yes.
We had coffee and talked about poetry. She said she always wanted to read Ezra Pound. I told her we should each buy the same collection of his work and read it together. She said she'd like that.
A day or so later I asked her out again, but she told me that she was going through a lot and was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't really date right now. I told her I understood. I was a little crushed though.
We remained friends, frequently getting coffee before class. Each time we would, my heart would ache. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to just be around her. There was something about her that just drew me in.
Around Thanksgiving she invited me to go the art museum with her. We didn't really look at the art, but rather just talked deeply about family and God and even a little about sex. I gave her a collection of Ezra Pound's poetry. She was so touched by the gesture that she almost cried.
But still, when I told her that day that I wanted to take her out for drinks, she said "yes, please. drinks to celebrate friendship and the end of the semester."
I asked a few lady friends what that meant, but I already knew. Every time I would compliment her, she would tell me that I was kind and a good friend.
I really dislike the term "friendzone" because there is always an implication of entitlement there. Like I am owed sex just because I was being friendly. I knew she owed me nothing and that if anything I was the one complicating things by bringing my emotions and desires into the friendship.
But still I wanted her. I wanted to be in a relationship with her.
I have written on here about her. I have told my therapist about her.
But I had to let her go. No use in pining over someone who isn't interested.
Last night was a free night at a contemporary art museum by my house. I invited her to go with me. If we were going to be friends, we might as well be friends. And besides it was a good opportunity to steal furtive looks at her beautiful face as she contemplated colors and composition.
We got drinks after. She asked if she could see my apartment. She gravitated towards the record player, I put on Nina Simone.
We locked eyes and I refused to break the contact.
She said, well, thanks for going to the museum with me.
I stepped forward, still looking her in the eye.
Her body reacted as I grabbed her hips. She breathed in deep. She bit her lip. She leaned forward.
"I have been wanting to do that for a long time."
Those were my thoughts, but they came out of her mouth. I made her repeat them.
Before long we were on my bed, entangled in each other's limbs. She told me things were complicated. I told her there was no pressure or expectation.
I told her she was beautiful and she hid her face in my chest. I breathed in her smell.
I told her I wanted her.
She told me not to say that because that would cause her to melt.
So I said it again and again and again.
Holding her hands above her head, kissing her between each word.
She told me that I was dashing but that I didn't know that about myself. She said she would keep saying it until I believed it.
You're dashing, she said kissing my cheek.
You're dashing, her lips now moving to my ear.
You're dashing, her fingers slowly scratching my chest.
She had to go. She was already late for a birthday party.
It took some time for us to move off the bed. Every new position demanded a kiss. Every kiss demanded another. I eventually watched her drive away.
I have come to stop expecting anything. She might change her mind tomorrow. Anything could happen that could prevent us from getting together.
But last night was seriously perfect. And that is truly enough. The suffering of life is worth it for these small moments.
I hope we get to share more of them.
4:47 a.m. - 2016-12-28
Recent entries:
Not much to say. - 2017-01-14
I am so tired of all this. - 2017-01-08
Bari - 2017-01-04
Resolution - 2016-12-29
That Ended Quick. - 2016-12-29
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