Waiting for the elevator I could not tell which need was more severe:
The need to pee or the need to write.
Either way, the need was strong and left me pacing as I waited for the ancient lever and pulley system to work its way down to floor one.
I got on and pushed 10, but to my surprise the elevator went down to the basement.
But no one was waiting behind the door.
It was an empty hallway when it stopped again on floor one. The same on two, three, and every other floor. It stopped on each level.
I realized then that the need to pee was stronger.
But here I am now, satiated. Lester Young is playing through my cheap laptop speakers and I am surrounded by the squalor that comes easily when you are a bachelor and know no one will be coming over.
I am feeling better than I was the other day, but still not sure what "better" actually means.
I sometimes feel like I have a very loose grip on reality.
Sometimes I am totally cool with that.
I am a dreamer. I dream.
But in a world of such intense and consistent suffering, what good are dreams really?
Part of me says to pretend like life is how I idealize and romanticize it. Nevermind reality, just live justice and love and passion and art and beauty as if those things were values of everyone.
But then again, reality is a brute.
It forces your eyes open and makes you see.
On the whole, there are far more people unhappy and suffering in the world than there people in bliss.
What can be done about that?
I can sometimes see a lighted path that guides me out of the void into some sort of true joy.
But I don't know if I want to leave everyone behind.
I want to bring light to the world, not forsake it for its darkness.
I don't know how to do that though when I am myself blind and crippled and desperate for substance.
I will just dig deeper. Keep digging the well until water springs forth.
If we want paradise we have to build it.
There is no other way around.
9:29 p.m. - 2016-12-26
Recent entries:
I am so tired of all this. - 2017-01-08
Bari - 2017-01-04
Resolution - 2016-12-29
That Ended Quick. - 2016-12-29
Allyson - 2016-12-28
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