Yesterday I wrote another one of those dark and lonely posts on here.
I wrote that I have been feeling nihilistic.
And that is probably true to a point. There is an awful lot that just does not seem to matter to me these days.
A small example: my hair is down to my chin and my beard down to my adam's apple. I had no plan in growing it out but cutting it seems equally arbitrary. To make either choice seems like vanity. Why should I care about my appearance? Where is the meaning in that?
It feels the same with any particular decision as to how to spend my time. I could read D.H. Lawrence or I can watch 27 Dresses. I can go for a walk or I can take a nap. It all kind of seems like the same void to me.
It is only now that I type this that the thought of volunteering somewhere comes to me. It's a brilliant idea and would solve a lot of my existential problems. I wonder if I can get myself out of my depression enough to do something like that.
Now that I am thinking about it, it could be why I have been feeling so low. During the last few semesters, I have been very busy and very involved in lots of things.
I was doing communication for the Denver Faith and Justice conference. I was helping start up a Feminist Alliance group at my school. I was a TA and then helped teach a workshop for other TAs in the Women's Studies department. I was working on my senior thesis and feeling like a real academic.
And now I am back to having basically zero responsibility.
I have summer school, but that's fairly easy. I am doing research for this history podcast that I am starting with a friend. Outside of that, I really have nothing going on.
I miss having value.
But I am valuable. I just need to find a place to apply it.
I need to get out of myself. I need to be doing something for others. I need to be seen and heard.
And now that we are talking about needs, I absolutely need some sort of physical contact. I might even ask a stranger for a hug today. Humans are meant to be touched. Men get touched for less than women. I rarely get touched at all.
I am getting coffee tonight with an old friend. I will at least get a hug at the beginning and end of our time together.
It might be a date. I'm not sure. I would simply melt if I were kissed.
None of this is what I came on to write about. But I suppose it is better than the nonsense I had intended.
Today I will change the things that I can and practice contentment with the things I can't.
I am incredibly broke and physically unwell. I can't change that. I will accept that for what it is.
But I can speak into someone's life today. I can act with compassion. I can regain my sense of value. I can recenter myself through meditation. I can try to connect with other humans.
I am going to be alright.
7:20 a.m. - 2016-06-14
Recent entries:
Bookish - 2016-07-13
bleh - 2016-07-12
Stewardship - 2016-06-24
Didn't Even Have to Use My AK - 2016-06-19
Abundant - 2016-06-18
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