My mom and I spent the day together yesterday.
She and my dad have recently moved up to my fair state of Colorado. They just retired from 43 years as pastors. They live in an RV now. They will spend the summer here and then inexplicably head to south Texas for the winter.
I haven't gotten to see them much because of school, and if I am honest, more than a little apprehension.
Our relationship has always been a little strained, you see.
So I was a little nervous when my mom came up. The plan was to do a belated mother's day thing. I got us both massages, then we went to food truck day at the park by my house and the history museum.
We had a good time.
I don't think we had even made it the restaurant where we got breakfast before my mom started opening up.
She said she is terribly unhappy.
She said her biggest regret in life was not leaving my dad when I was a baby.
She apologized for how my dad treated my brother and I.
He mostly got along with my brother—who possessed all the typical masculine traits and interests—but would still beat the shit out of him sometimes.
With me, my dad called me "weak" and "lazy" and "too girly." He refused to believe that I was sick with chronic illness. He thought it was just an excuse. He didn't hit me much. But that's mostly because I was too scared to ever be in the same room as him.
My mom tried to stop it. But the only way she really could have would have been through leaving. And Jesus hates divorce. And there was really nowhere for her to go.
I was surprised to hear that she wanted to leave. I think she still wants to.
I had never really considered how my mom was treated in all of this. I always saw my parents as a unit.
But as we ate breakfast she told me that my dad is paranoid and deeply jealous of her. That if any other man ever makes her smile, he will completely lose his shit.
She told me that he isn't affectionate to her at all and has never really been. She doesn't get anything on her birthday or Valentine's day or their anniversary. He says he is always too busy to buy her a gift or take her out to dinner.
She told me that my dad had a mistress, and that mistress was the church. She was always second to the needs of my dad's ministry. That they only way she could be close to him was to put all of her energy into the church as well.
But now that they retired she had hoped that she would be given some real attention. That they could have a romantic and affectionate relationship.
But my dad hasn't done much. She says he acts like he is already dead. He doesn't seem to enjoy anything or be interested in doing anything at all.
He is convinced his cancer is back even though he was just given a clean bill of health last week.
He told her that he has considered suicide several times these last few months.
It was probably inappropriate for my mom to tell all of this to her son, but she has had literally no one else to talk to for I don't even know how long.
She has had to be the supportive pastor's wife. My dad would never allow her to have a life outside of the church, and really gets pretty upset if she is out doing anything at all without him even with church people. So the only people she knows are from the church and opening up to them about my dad's gas lighting or even his pretty severe depression would be betrayal. It would destroy his ministry.
So she told me. There wasn't much I could do. I gave some insight based on my own depression and anxiety. I told her that I got it from my dad the way that he got it from his. But he just hasn't admitted to having depression and has never tried to deal with it or manage it.
In our church tradition, depression is a sign of weakness and a lack of faith.
I recommended some books on self-acceptance and non-violent communication. I don't know if my dad will read them.
I don't know what else to do. This is going to be an interesting summer.
Hopefully one that ends in reconciliation for my parents and some healing for all of us.
But possibly one where we pretend like everything is great, just like we've always done.
I guess we will see.
7:45 a.m. - 2016-05-26
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