My plan was to wake up at 5 am so that I could finish the paper that I told myself absolutely had to be finished by yesterday.
I woke up at 6:10. Groggy. It is now 6:46 and I haven't written a single word.
If I drive to school, I will have three hours before class.
I have five hours between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, so I can finish the paper then. This thing has to be finished. I wanted it finished by Monday, because my 25 page thesis paper is due in about thirteen days and I feel like I have hardly done any research on it at all.
This weekend I am transitioning from Starbucks to another less corporate (but still corporate)coffee shop. This means that I will be working both jobs this weekend. Which means the little time I have on weekends is even less.
In addition to the 25 page thesis, I also have two three page papers due in the next few weeks. They are small, but they are book reports. I at least need to read some of those books. After that, two finals and a lot of grading to do for the workshop I teach.
I think about the children of non-poor people. I imagine how much I could get done if I were one of them. No seven day work weeks. No constant exhaustion. No worrying that the internet will be turned off while writing a senior thesis. No eating only one meal a day.
What freedom to just focus on one's education. No apprehension about affording grad school.
One of my professors defined the middle class as having control over the decisions that immediately affect your life.
I am not middle class. I have no control.
That's not to say that things are all that bad.
I have a good life. It's full of music and books and learning and real conversation.
But I guess I am just stressed out right now. A lot of pressure and not a lot of money.
I need to focus.
To remember that the future doesn't exist.
It is not on me right now to fix my economic situation.
All there is, all that exists right now, is a blank page and an untold story.
And I get to write it however I want.
6:45 a.m. - 2016-04-06
Recent entries:
sleepy - 2016-04-25
I write a little, I flirt a little, I eat a lot of junk food. - 2016-04-20
Under Pressure - 2016-04-17
Admitting it to Myself - 2016-04-11
Brain Date - 2016-04-07
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