I think it's safe to say that I am depressed.
And I mean really depressed.
If I were to wager a guess, I'd say it is in part due to the fact that it is spring break this week.
A spring break where I only had nine dollars to my name, so I couldn't go out or do anything fun.
I convinced a couple of friends to go on a photo walk on Monday, but other than that I have just been stuck in my house getting high and watching movies.
And I was already feeling isolated and really lonely.
And I have already been so stressed.
I could have used a real break.
Instead I just sunk into despair.
And it's affecting everything.
I can't focus on my school stuff. I am disengaged at work.
Wherever I am, it seems my mind is somewhere else.
I am not really thinking or feeling anything at all. I am definitely in that numb stage.
I am not in a place where I actively want to harm myself, but I am in a place where it feels that it wouldn't matter if I lived or died.
Which isn't true. I know that. I matter.
But I am too tired to argue with myself.
I am too tired to care.
I hate being depressed.
But in the same vein, what's the point of being happy if you can't share that with someone?
If there is a theme in my decade plus of writing on here, it's my feeling lonely.
There has to be something wrong with me to be this alone for this long. People can tell me that I am awesome, and I can tell myself that I am worthy of love. But if I were I would be, right?
I wish I was okay with being alone.
3:46 a.m. - 2016-03-26
Recent entries:
Brain Date - 2016-04-07
An elongated sigh before returning to work - 2016-04-06
Day by Day - 2016-03-31
Grandma Hope Chest - 2016-03-29
How it soothes the anguished heart - 2016-03-28
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