Over this last week, but especially Wednesday, I spent a lot of time simply begging my brain to stop it.
I don't want to feel like this anymore, I said. I want to think about something else. I want to feel good.
It took a few days, but my brain suddenly started listening.
I was upset on Wednesday because Erica canceled on me again. I was hoping some actual face time would solve all of our problems. Or at least clue me into what those problems are. But instead she said she wasn't feeling well.
I remember the last time that we got to spend anytime together. Two weeks ago today. We had just had sex for the first time and she jokingly asked me if I was going to stop talking to her now that we've had sex.
The irony of it all is that it was she that stopped talking to me.
I haven't heard much from her at all since then.
So I freaked out. I had at least three full-blown panic attacks and broke down in tears more times than I can say.
Why? Because I really liked her. Because I was excited about the idea that I wasn't going to be alone. Even if it was just for a little bit.
But now I am back alone. And that's hard. And my brain can't shut up about it. Which leaves me lying in bed, unable to sleep and unable to focus on anything else.
But yesterday, my brain just shut off.
It seems like even it got tired of being depressed all the time.
And all of a sudden I remembered that the way I see me is not the way anyone else sees me.
In fact, I am one of those people who seems to become more attractive with age. And without my realizing it, I have somehow become a good looking guy. I think the long hair and beard helps.
What's more, my two decades or so of rejection has led me to read some books and develop some skills and think about some things.
In short, I have become interesting.
Not to mention that I am generally big-hearted and kind.
This is what my brain decided yesterday. It decided that I am really in the prime of my life and outside of my schedule and my poverty, have no reason to not be enjoying it.
So I put Erica on the shelf. I thought about ending it with her, but instead am just giving it time.
My strategy is that I am going to stop pursuing her altogether, but when she talks to me I am going to make it clear that I am still interested when she comes around. Because I think she still likes me, but is just overwhelmed with everything else. So I will listen and be supportive and tell her that I want her when I get the chance.
But I am not going to wait for her. And I am not going to sit around wondering about her.
Instead I am going to go out. I am going to flirt with, and maybe even fuck, other people.
I am going to remind myself to make my alone life the best possible life.
Full of art and music and diverse conversation and real freedom to do anything I want.
I am going to take advantage of the fact that I am suddenly attractive and test the waters. Take more risks.
I am also going to increase my compassion and mindfulness. I am going to be the things that I like about me.
Yes, I am still lonely and sick and poor. But I choose not to be miserable.
I choose life.
I choose joy.
And I choose to remind myself of this constantly because I know my brain likes to forget.
4:02 a.m. - 2016-03-19
Recent entries:
An elongated sigh before returning to work - 2016-04-06
Day by Day - 2016-03-31
Grandma Hope Chest - 2016-03-29
How it soothes the anguished heart - 2016-03-28
Depressed - 2016-03-26
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