Dear Diary,
I've had an interesting few days. I wish I had written each experience as it occurred on here. I feel like it would have been a dramatic arc.
I have been fairly depressed ever since Thanksgiving. Nothing too serious, but I was certainly just down.
Lord knows how I get when I am like that. Very non-rational. I tend to really beat myself up over little things.
And, almost always, I feel like an unattractive loser who will most certainly die alone.
This is how I was feeling when Kate asked me to go see Star Wars with her.
Kate is someone that I have a huge crush on. If we ever got together it would make one hell of a meet-cute story. Maybe someday I'll tell it.
Not today though.
Because when we went to see Star Wars together (my third time, her second) I discovered that she was incredibly uninterested in me romantically. We are just friends.
This shouldn't have been a big deal. But it was. It was because of how depressed I was and because of the story that I built up in my mind.
I was way too ahead in the future. I was inventing my own version of Kate instead of actually being with this non-idealized version that I barely know.
And as a result, I felt hurt and rejected and lowly.
After talking to my lovely Canadian friend, I realized that how I was feeling was just my depression talking.
I also realized that a big part of why I was so upset about Kate was because of how much attachment and desire I had put into the idea of her. I was trying to control something quite uncontrollable.
I thought about how I wanted to get back into the Taoist sense of just letting things happen and going with the flow.
As I was thinking such thoughts and renewing my commitment to meditation, I received a message on Facebook.
First some brief backstory (this is why I wish I had written out three separate entries. I am trying to be succinct though. We'll see how I do):
A few weeks ago, College Humor and Distractify both found this Christmas card that I had made of myself and a mannequin and put it on one of this click bait-y listicles that you always see on Facebook.
Check it out for yourself here, if you'd like:
http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7035213/13-lonely-christmas-cards-from-singles
Well, this woman who has a mutual friend with me on Facebook saw the College Humor thing and added me as a friend.
She then messaged me just as I was thinking about not forcing things and just going with the moment.
She is a remarkably beautiful woman. I know nothing about her except that:
1. she has purple hair
2. she thinks I am very funny
3. we are going on a date this coming Tuesday.
This happened because I didn't try to force anything. I just saw an opportunity and I took it.
This was the night before New Year's Eve.
Normally, I don't do much for the holiday. I think New Year's Eve tends to be over-hyped, over-crowded, over-full of really drunk people.
Nonetheless, I went out. Trying my best the whole time to just be present and have fun without any expectations and without trying to control or force anything.
That's how I ended up running into a very attractive former co-worker of mine and her equally attractive yoga teacher friend.
That's how we ended up at some DJ's house with a tone of free weed and alcohol.
That's how I ended up nearly having a threesome with my former co-worker and her yoga instructor friend.
It was only nearly a threesome because former co-worker fell asleep after making out a little. Her friend and I continued until the sun came up.
What a way to bring in the new year.
All this happened just on its own. I didn't force anything. I didn't try to make it happen.
I am discovering that I am most attractive when I am just present and going with whatever is happening.
I am discovering that I am actually attractive. Which is a totally new sensation for me.
I feel like something has changed in me.I hope this feeling lasts. I hope it doesn't go to my head.
I don't know the future. I might very well still die alone.
But it is certainly nice to know that I won't always sleep alone.
And that's something.
As Obi Wan whispered to Rey in the Force Awakens, These are the first steps.
Who knows what will become of me next?
1:17 p.m. - 2016-01-03
Recent entries:
Yes, I recognize that I am being emotional and irrational. Deal with it. - 2016-01-21
School - 2016-01-20
A Prayer - 2016-01-11
Don and Carissa - 2016-01-08
Weed and Ellington - 2016-01-06
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