Sometimes I like reading stranger's diaries on here just to see if I can guess the gender of the writer. I usually can't.
I broke up with a woman that I don't think I even mentioned on here. There was absolutely nothing there for me, I got nothing out of our time together, but still we dated for six weeks because I was too afraid to break it off.
I initially wrote that I broke up with a girl up there, but changed it to woman. I am trying not to use the word "girl" when speaking of adult women. I feel like calling women girls helps infantilize them. It's a micro-aggression that diminishes power. I am also trying to stop saying "guys" when addressing a group of men and women. These are little things. I don't know why I am mentioning them now.
I am on my winter break from school and want to go out and get wild and have crazy kinky sex with strangers.
I'll probably just end up smoking a lot of pot and watching The Wire.
Sex is fun, but interpersonal relationships stress me out. I don't know how to date. It makes me feel like a loser (when I am rejected) or an asshole (when I reject). I don't even want to ask someone out because I know that the chances are high that one of us will have to have that awkward conversation about how it is not us but the other. That's not fun at all. That doesn't seem worth it.
My therapist tells me that the problem isn't dating, but it is the narrative that I tell myself about dating. People know the risk and one isn't an asshole for recognizing that someone isn't good for them. Some people even have fun dating lots of different people. Some women just want to fuck.
She challenged me to change the story in my head. To imagine dating and sex and meeting people as fun and lighthearted and worthwhile.
I am not there yet.
I am going to make some macaroni and cheese.
8:57 a.m. - 2015-12-22
Recent entries:
School - 2016-01-20
A Prayer - 2016-01-11
Don and Carissa - 2016-01-08
Weed and Ellington - 2016-01-06
The Erotic Adventures of Zhaungzhi - 2016-01-03
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