I am a little more disgusted with myself than I have been in sometime.
Deary diary, I seek absolution.
Last night I went out to dinner with my ex-girlfriend Alayna.
She and I have such an instant connection. It felt good to fall back into the cadence of conversation and banter. We both were immediately having a good time.
She asked a lot of questions about everything I am doing and I must have talked for an hour straight about how excited I am with school and getting to teach and all that. I realized somewhere along the way that I hadn't really gotten to talk to anyone in a very long time. I write to people, but that's different.
We had a lot of drinks at dinner. Then a few more at my place. And then a little weed.
I probably haven't drank since August. There are actually quite a few things I haven't done since then.
Outside of a few short hugs, I don't think I have been touched at all in these last three months.
Last night was definitely the first kiss in that time.
We made out on my bed for a while. I cannot express how good it felt to be entwined with another body. I know it had only been three months or so, but last night it felt like years.
I tried to go further than making out. She stopped me. I stopped. But then I tried again. She said she had to go.
I got up with her to walk her out. She noticed my erection and touched it gently through my pants. God, I was desperate. Desperate for her to continue.
I tried to put my hand down her pants. She tried to stop me. This time I didn't stop.
I fingered her resistant body and kissed her now hesitant neck. I didn't do it for long. I stopped. She left.
I know this is a small thing. But my thoughts at the time were not small. I remember even thinking that I know she is not into this right now, but I don't care. I need this. I have never wanted to force myself onto someone so badly in my life.
I sent her a text saying I am sorry. She hasn't responded back yet.
And so here I am, five and a half hours later. Feeling a little gross with myself.
I know it was a small thing, but it was the first time that I have ever not respected someone's lack of consent. I really hope it's the last.
And I also just feel bad because I've realized how much I am missing. How badly I want to be touched and kissed and listened to and held. And yes, fucked.
These are real human needs. I am so desperate for them but they are nowhere to be found.
So I guess I will get up and do my work. I will go back to not being touched for however long it is until I am touched again.
I will wait for the one who wants me. I promise I will not try to take what's not mine again.
5:56 a.m. - 2015-10-15
Recent entries:
The Longest Week of the Year - 2015-11-28
But Still Here You Are - 2015-11-15
I was going to write an update, but decided at the last minute not to - 2015-11-02
Literally just a ramble of thoughts with no particular theme or direction - 2015-10-30
drinkily drunk on drunk inducing drinks - 2015-10-21
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