After a few days of feeling really down and lonely and undesirable, I took some time this morning to ask myself the question that I always need to ask myself:
Why?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why am I thinking these thoughts?
What's really going on with me?
What do I actually want?
And here's the conclusion that I think I've come to:
1. My feelings of angst are not about a lack of sex or romance or desirability. At least not completely.
and
2. My feelings of angst are totally about a lack of sex and romance and desirability, but just not in the way that I was thinking.
I will now endeavor to explain.
When my friends (who are, as previously mentioned, all coupled off) asked me to do karaoke with them last night, I declined in a sort of mopey huff.
Why?
Because even though I enjoy my friends (they are, after all, my friends) I knew my chances of meeting someone at that shitty little dive bar were slim to none.
But I am starting to think that it's not really about meeting someone as much as it is about feeling passive. I just don't want to sit around with a bunch of happy couples all the time. I also don't want to hide out in my apartment as I so often do.
I think my main concern here is that I am just not living my life to the fullest.
It's not about sex, per se, it's about agency and action. I want to be doing something. Anything, really. Anything at all.
Couples doing karaoke is fine for them. They are adding complexity and memories to their relationship narrative. However, in that scenario I would just be a side player. A supplement to the memories that they are building.
I think I've been down because I feel relegated to the sidelines. I want to have my own adventures. Part of that is certainly finding romance and discovering hidden parts of my sexuality, but that's not everything I want.
I just want to be doing more than watching other people live.
Secondly, when I say that this all about sex, here is what I (think I) mean:
I have a weird and fairly miserable past when it comes to sex.
My shame isn't just a side-effect of religion.
It has other sources.
I was bullied a lot as a kid and teenager.
I was picked on and made fun of a lot. By girls.
Girls would frequently trick me into thinking that they liked me so that they could embarrass me in front of their friends. It happened a lot. It left a big scar.
One that I am only now beginning to discover.
Not only did I give up pursuing women, I began to associate any desire on my part with strong negative emotions.
I couldn't let anyone know that I liked them.
I began to think that no one would ever actually like me.
Even now I get a little suspicious when a woman seems interested.
That is, to use the vernacular of our times, some fucked up shit.
And the more I go out with couples, the more I feel alone.
The more I feel alone, the more I feel rejected and undesirable and everything else.
It's not about sex. It's about acceptance.
I want to experience being desired. I want to be wanted.
Everyone wants those things.
But for me, that desire is coming from a place of deep hurt.
I am perhaps a little more vulnerable in this regard than most.
Especially now that all of this stuff is coming up in therapy.
I am re-feeling all of these feelings that used to be part of my daily life. I am feeling the shame and rejection and humiliation all over again.
I want to feel that things are different now. But I am still just not seeing any proof.
This is why I've been obsessing over girls and sex and all that.
I want real evidence that I am someone worth having around.
It's the first step to a reclaiming of power.
I want to live fully; to love fully; to be fully loved in return.
I am leaning in to my vulnerability.
I am going to make it through all of this
It's just going to take more work than I thought.
1:59 p.m. - 2014-09-07
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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