Last night got a little drunk and high with some friends.
One of whom was the woman I know who was, up until recently, in the ministry.
She's going through what I once went through. The pure agony of an elusive God; the guilty bliss of carnal pleasures.
I was surprised that she smoked pot with us, the last time I saw her she was still working at a church and abstaining in all things.
It's been quite the six months though. She says she is in her "fuck it all" stage. She brings condoms and a spare toothbrush with her everywhere she goes, just in case she ends up in someone else's bed.
She took me aside from the group and asked me what it was like for me when I first lost my faith and initially went wild.
That's when I realized that I have yet to really go wild at all. She didn't believe me at first. She has this real impression (tinted by her up to recent fundamentalist Christianity) that I am some drug addled bohemian.
But in fact I hardly drink or go out. I smoke pot for my pain (and to make movies better), but I really have never experienced with drugs. Most of my sexual experience has come from long-term relationships.
I spend most of my time alone in my apartment, pouring over theology and philosophy (and Sci-fi and other nerdery).
I am actually more tame than most of the Christians I know.
In that moment I became jealous of her. How openly and brazenly she had embraced this new life. How she has been so courageous in exploring her sexuality and everything else the world has to offer.
I wanted to be like her.
And later that night, as we removed each other's clothes and drank deep from each other's lips and bodies, I felt more free than I had in some time.
Maybe it was because we had both suppressed our desires for so long, but our bodies were pure electricity and light. Her orgasms the sweetest song I've heard in some time.
For so long, I've felt trapped between worlds. I don't fit in with the Atheists and Agnostics, but I don't belong with the faithful either.
I don't enjoy the benefits of faith or the joy of sensuality.
It's time for that to change.
It's time to explore some.
This body was made for pleasure. It's time I put it towards its intended use.
This is not to say that I am going to become a drunk or a slut or anything, I am just going to embrace a little hedonism for once.
Everyone has accused me of turning my back on God. I might as well take a good look at this new direction I am apparently facing.
3:24 p.m. - 2014-07-27
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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