Pain without meaning is the worst kind.
As humans we need narrative, purpose, everything needs to mean something.
When one is inflicted with chronic pain--whether that be emotional or physical or both--one seeks to find meaning in that pain.
What is the message?
What is the pain telling me?
Why am I experiencing this?
I've spent a lot of time with these questions.
I've had constant physical pain throughout my body for four years now.
I have struggled with deep depression for at least twenty years.
And it has all been meaningless pain.
This is no hero's journey.
There is no narrative arc.
This pain is not because of something I did or because God wants my attention.
There is just pain. It just exists within me.
For a long time I was despondent by this.
Pain with no need and no purpose.
But I am learning now that I can create purpose.
That I can make this pain into a tool.
There is a Buddhist prayer that I am taking as my own. I will say it constantly.
May this suffering awaken compassion.
That's it. Isn't it beautiful?
May this suffering awaken compassion.
Compassion is not the reason for my pain. It would not comfort me to know that I suffer so that I can help those who suffer.
But I do suffer. The pain is just there. Always.
But if I can use that pain to awaken compassion within me. If my experiences help me become more empathetic and kind and loving, then why not use it to such ends?
As the fourteenth-century Persian poet Hafiz wrote:
"Don't surrender you loneliness
so quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few human
or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice
so tender,
My need of God
absolutely
clear."
There may be no meaning, no purpose, no "why" for my pain.
But I will embrace it and learn from it and use it to grow nonetheless.
8:38 a.m. - 2014-07-07
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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