Nina.
I had/have this huge crush on this girl.
She is stunningly beautiful. And incredibly smart. And wickedly funny.
And so many more adjectives followed by adjectives.
I pursued her patiently for months. She was always ambiguous in her response. We would make out and then she would pull back and I wouldn't see her for weeks.
About a month ago we slept together. And then we slept together again. We had a week of great sex.
But then she disappeared. She wouldn't respond to my calls or texts for weeks.
She finally came around and told me that she was "just too busy" to be in a relationship or even casually date someone.
I wanted to believe her and so I did.
She liked me.
In another world...
If she had more time...
It hurt a little, but I could let it go. I really liked her, but these things don't always work out. It was enough to know that she really liked me too, but just couldn't make it work.
(and I know you know all of this, faithful reader. I am just trying to recap for posterity. So far, this entry has been like a "previously on..." segment at the beginning of a TV show.)
Recently, some new information has come into light.
I didn't dig for any of this information. It was just presented to me in the course of us working together.
We will both be in a room and someone will ask her, "hey, are you still hooking up with Steve?"
She is.
Also, she apparently goes on Tinder dates all the time. Sometimes two in one night.
Last night, she did a bunch of blow and made out with my female boss on a dance floor.
Which is hilarious. And soul crushing.
It's not that any of these things are bad in and of themselves. I am pro-sex positivity. I like a girl who is assertive and sexually aware.
I just wish she was assertive and sexually aware with me.
And I wish she hadn't lied. That's what really hurts.
It was a lie of convenience. She didn't want to have to say that she didn't want me.
I didn't want to have to hear those words.
I always knew it was a lie, but I tried my best to believe it.
But then I found out that right before we had slept together, she had been spurned by her ex-boyfriend. She was wanting to get back with him but he stood her up. So the next night, she came to me.
I was her ego boost.
I was her affirmation that she was still desirable.
I was nothing more than that.
Now that, that hurts.
I am foolish. I am a fool.
I am trying really hard to re-frame my mindset; think positively, love myself, and so on.
But such ideas are new and fragile.
I'm finding it a little hard to bounce back from this.
How can I feel desirable?
How can I feel like anything other than an idiot with outdated notions of romance and love?
How can I trust anyone?
I will bounce back from this.
I just hope I don't become any more jaded than I already am.
Fuck, I could use a fucking break right about now.
Even the smallest victory will do.
6:55 a.m. - 2014-06-22
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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