I've been writing on Diaryland for 12 years now.
And never once have I written an entry similar to the one I am about to write, an entry where I say what it is I like about me.
I have had problems with my self-worth since the second grade. I was bullied then. A lot. Not just by students either. My second grade teacher called me "baby" all the time and would publicly humiliate me in front of my classmates.
My parents thought I was just being dramatic. That is until my mom showed up unannounced one day and eavesdropped on my class.
I was transferred to a different class the next morning.
But still, the damage was done.
I have been picked on and bullied most of my life.
When I hit puberty, I was picked and bullied by girls.
I was too eager to be loved. That always makes one a target.
I was extremely gangly and skinny until I was in my twenties, and suffered through "jokes" about that from friends to family members to complete strangers.
Now I get "jokes" about how much weight I've gained.
It's all in good fun, I get that. Friends and family tease each other.
But it has truly altered the way I see myself.
For decades now, when I look at my self I see:
awkward
nerdy
out of shape
non-athletic
undesirable
weak
un-manly
etc.
And that's just my physical characteristics.
I'm a little nicer to myself when it comes to my internal qualities. I know I am intelligent, a good writer and communicator, and kind, but generally, I view my personality through the lens of my depression and see:
detached
needy
unproductive
insecure
emotionally weak
self-centered
incapable of basic functioning
This adjectives are how I've viewed myself since I was eight years old.
No wonder I'm depressed. No wonder I hate myself and just want to end it.
And no wonder I constantly seek out the affirmation of women.
I go from girlfriend to girlfriend, constantly seeking out that emotional validation.
I only feel desirable during the exact moment that I am being desired.
As soon as she leaves the next morning, my insecurity and uncertainty cascades back down onto my shoulders.
She wanted me last night, but does she want me today?
These women may stick around for a few weeks or months (in two rare occasions, around a year), but they always leave and they always leave for the same reason:
I am insecure and needy and depressed all of the time.
For years I have thought that these women have just finally seen "the real me." It confirms and recycles all of the negative adjectives that I apply to myself.
People will like me until they get to know me. Then they will run.
But these adjectives I've used for the last twenty years aren't true.
I've grown and I've changed.
But when everyone else sees this new me, all I've been able to look at is this warped negative view of myself.
That's changing today.
I will learn to love myself. Maybe eventually someone else will learn to love me too.
But today, I will start with me.
I am:
smart
loyal
creative
funny
an abstract thinker
a talented artist and writer
a brilliant scholar
and
I am tall
with rather beautiful and searching eyes and a whimsically crooked smile.
I have full kissable lips
and broad shoulders
I have gentle fingers
and from what I've been told, a pretty nice ass.
I am handsome.
I am sensitive.
I am strong.
I am a strong and handsome feminist poet of a man who is actively striving to make this world just a tiny bit better.
God damn it, I am a catch.
And someday, I will believe all of that.
9:16 a.m. - 2014-06-21
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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