If things keep going the way they are, my plan is to leave a link to this diary on my Facebook page.
None of my friends know of its existence. It will help them understand. A serialized suicide note. A chronicle of despair.
But then I think of Nina and grow worried. I imagine she would read this. Wouldn't you? Even if just a casual acquaintance offed themselves leaving only a private blog as a testament, I would read that thing from front to back. Even more so if I had slept with that person.
So that's a concern. I don't want anyone reading this and blaming themselves for what happened. No one should ever blame themselves for a suicide, even though most everyone always does.
So Nina (I also plan to go back and change her name. How embarrassing to know someone secretly pined for you. I'll change it to a name she would recognize as herself, but few other people would. I just wanted to type out her name at least one more time).
So Nina, this was not your fault. You're rejection of me was not the last and final straw. I just needed someone and you seemed to have the most potential.
I could have loved you, at least I was willing to try, but this was not your doing.
I have been broken since birth. That's all there is to it.
I will write a longer post soon for my folks, as well as some of my closest friends.
In the meantime, I will pray to my long absent God for a miracle
7:07 p.m. - 2014-06-05
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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