We were laying in each others arms on her couch, some music softly playing in the background, a few flickering candles the only light; time did not exist then, we could have been exploring each others eyes for a century.
It was Christmas evening and we had spent the day together. She made me dinner, I painted her a painting.
And now we were entwined on her couch. My hands stroking her face. Her hands clasped behind my neck.
I kissed her lightly, and then again.
"I think," I said, a kiss between every word, "that you should think"--another kiss--"about being my girlfriend."
She buried her face in my chest.
"I thought you didn't want a girlfriend" she asked me.
She looked back at my face, her expression was warm and gentle yet hard to read.
She kissed me sweetly.
"I don't really, not unless it was you."
She gave me a long, deep kiss, followed by several small pecks all over my face.
But said nothing.
After a few minutes, I said, "just think about it."
"I like seeing you," she said, "and I want to keep seeing you. You are a really beautiful person...let me, just let me think about this."
And I felt foolish for bringing it up, knowing that it would probably never be brought up again.
And I look at her differently now.
And some of that magic is gone.
She didn't say no, but I could swear I saw the no lingering in her eyes.
Nothing has ostensibly changed between us, but it feels like everything has.
I should just let this go, forget that I ever mentioned it and continue to enjoy the time I have with her. We don't need to be something more, what we have now is plenty and beautiful.
But I can't let it go. If she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, than what does she want? What are we to her?
I will see her tonight. I will not bring any of this up. I will only probe her eyes and her face a little more than usual; I will try to decide if I should jump ship or stay.
I have been hurt more times than I'd care to say.
But she may be worth another heartbreak.
9:16 a.m. - 2012-12-28
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