I broke up with my last girlfriend in July. We had dated for close to a year.
We broke up for a few reasons. One of which was that she decided to move to Kansas for a new job and long distance relationships are hard to deal with.
Mainly though, we broke up because the physical pain that I was in was so all encompassing that I was not able to focus on much else. It had left me suicidal, and I knew it was unfair to drag her through my personal torment.
I broke up with her so I could figure out if and how I could continue to live.
She never gave me the opportunity to explain that.
She hung up on me as I tried to explain to her why I made the choice I made.
And yes, I decided to break up with her over the phone rather than have her drive four hours back to Denver to do it. It seemed like the best option.
After she hung up on me, I sent her an email saying that I was here to talk whenever she felt ready.
She wrote back telling me to never contact her again.
A few months went by and I sent her another email. This time just apologizing for the way that I ended things. I told her that I was sorry. That I still loved her, but I just needed to figure some things out.
She never wrote back.
A few minutes ago, I was just killing a little time on Tumblr, when I saw her face. I had forgotten that she had a blog. I decided to read a bit to see what she has been up to. I think of her a lot and do sincerely hope she is doing well.
I wasn't expecting to find an essay about what an awful man that I am.
She talked about ripping up my books and destroying my "mediocre paintings." She threw all my pictures and gifts that I gave her into a pile, spit on it, and then threw it away.
This is all fine. It's what one does during a break-up. I hurt her. Her anger was warranted.
But then she went on to say that she had written a response to my apology letter. She crafted "In [my] honor the single most cruel, soul-destroying and insecurity-affirming suicide justification of my career. I hold within my drafts and documents the ability to tear a man to pieces. To put him in the hospital. To hurt him so completely, that I might well ensure he hurts no one else, ever again."
This is also fine. I hold no hard feelings toward her whatsoever. I do love her and wish her well. I hope that writing the letter served as a bit of catharsis. It sucks having your heart broken. It takes a lot of time to mend.
I wanted to write a response to everything she wrote. Not in any kind of petty way, but just to reach out to her.
I was advised by a wise friend not to do that.
Any contact from me, even (or perhaps especially) kind words and encouragement would just be salt on the wound that has still yet to heal.
But man, I want to read the letter she sent me.
I think it would be good to get it off her chest, and would probably serve as a good exhortation for me.
Plus, I'm a sucker for insult and pain. Especially when it's done with the high quality of prose that she tends to write in.
I might have to leave my house until the temptation to write her as left me.
The impulse to do it is so strong that it is leaving me a bit obsessed.
I want to read that letter.
But more than anything, I sincerely want her to be happy. I love the idea of her being whole and complete. Perhaps happily married with a kid or two. I want her to be doing well.
It seems that the only way to help her with that is to no longer exist.
9:17 a.m. - 2012-12-05
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
i-lost-sarah
aryssa90
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
meffinmisfit
cybers1ut
the-grey-one
movingsands
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
nudeplatypus
mojo1915
baby--girl
cindylou03
alwaysinhim
greenstar7
krunkjazz
dudemanflab
spittingame