people think that depression helps you become a better writer or artist.
this is not true at all.
no one writes or paints or composes when they are depressed.
they think they do, sure. but these people are wrong.
we write about our depression.
our depression may even make us want to create.
but really, its really only when we resurface from our despair that we again find our creativity.
i say this because i know.
i say this because i am forcing myself to write.
i say this because i am self-destructing as we speak.
i am, at the moment, incapable of anything.
it is six p.m. and i am surprised that i am awake.
i am writing this to remember.
i am making a chronicle of my depression.
(this is not an attempt to gain pity. i assure you)
i want to record how i feel when i am in the midst of all this.
it's all i can do. it's the only way i can gain control over my (at least seemingly) overwhelming feelings.
that said,
i presently feel inadequate at everything.
i can't bring myself to do school work.
i can't bring myself to do anything.
i have literally been laying on my couch all day; crying.
i dont know why.
i want to drink but i swore to myself that i'd stop for a while. i think it was getting out of hand.
i scare myself sometimes.
and by sometimes, i mean today.
i am sure i will be fine.
but it just seems so hard to move. i feel heavy.
i am going to go lay down.
6:13 p.m. - 2007-04-08
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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