so i think that the problem with me is one of perceptions.
i always seem much nicer and sweeter and more of a pure soul in general than i actually am.
i am all opening doors and listening to problems. very empathetic. so damn understanding. sweet words and flowers.
i see this as a problem. i know the real me and i tell them. i tell them the truth. "listen, darling" i say "i am selfish and self rightous. and have very little space for anyone but me."
and they laugh and deny and tell me how sweet i am. how good of a soul i have. the tell me i am the nicest guy they have met in sometime.
i want to believe what they say (who wouldnt?) and soon start to think that maybe they are right. maybe i am not a jerk.
but the thing is that i am a jerk. afraid of intimacy and anything real. and the next thing i know i am in the middle of a heartwrenching phone conversation outside of a laundrymat, again explaing (this time without laughter on the other end) that i am shallow and cheap and a horrible picture of a man.
it is here that i tell myself that i either need to change (but how often does that happen?) or to just stay away from pretty girls with fragile hearts.
i usually choose the latter. but only for a small time. the pain of others is easily forgotten.
so here i am again. gazing wide eyed into the mirror of my soul. looking for a girl to tell me that what i see is not true.
hoping to understand why i am and why i never change for long.
1:00 p.m. - 2005-11-09
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
i-lost-sarah
aryssa90
newschick
stardumb
hexes
gonzoprophet
meffinmisfit
cybers1ut
the-grey-one
movingsands
dangerspouse
unowhatilike
silverluna
elusive-you
tobehis
kenny-loo
brothasistas
my-rant
is-life
godsintimate
ruby--sky
creme-egg
darkly-blue
reevo
similar
dooki
dagkyo
obijuan
buddyboy5
u2october
nudeplatypus
mojo1915
baby--girl
cindylou03
alwaysinhim
greenstar7
krunkjazz
dudemanflab
spittingame