when i lived in dallas i had this roomate. he was fourty four years old and really had nothing to show for his life.
he still worked a part time minimum wage job. still had no love to call his own. hardly a social life at all.
last night i dreamt that i became him.
when i awoke this morning i realized how sadly realistic the dream was.
i am twenty four years old
and already futureless.
my dreams dry and brittle as a long dead flower.
i have no money.
no place to live (soon, anyways)
hardly any friends.
i am not just pitying myself here.
this is real.
this is the situation.
today, moments ago, i was informed that i was passed over again for a promotion. it was given to someone that i trained. that still asks me what to do.
i am so frustrated. with myself mostly.
i should be more.
i have (some) talent.
i have (some) brains.
social skills? i do alright. when i want too.
i had high hopes for the future when i was younger.
i thought so anyways.
some promising preacher with fire and anointing. (whatever that means)
i was going to be something.
and its not that i am nothing now that bothers me.
its that i am not on my way to being not nothing.
i am driving through the desert of nothing.
i look ahead and on the horizon is just more of my sorroundings.
so i sit here. waiting for the bars to open.
i plan to drink myself into oblivion.
puke out my sorrows.
we may die from medication but we sure killed all the pain. (bright eyes)
die
dying
death
dead
i am nothing but death, sex and a typewriter. (billy collins)
death is an art like anything else. i do it exceptionally well. i do it so it feels real. i do it so it feels like hell. i think i have a call. (slyvia plath)
today i take my friends (ciggerettes and wine) out to dinner.
i will tell them of my problems.
they will give me so many more new ones.
we will laugh and cry until the grim reaper comes.
tomorrow regrets today's emotions.
tonight makes today seem obsolete.
10:20 a.m. - 2005-06-17
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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