i'm hiding from myself.
all is distractions and supressions.
these particular demons seem
much bigger than the ones before.
(but they are really the same size.
they are all really the same.)
to face myself seems deadly.
i'll be honest,
just not with me.
i dont want to recognize
the possibility that
what i am feeling isnt real.
that i have fooled myself again.
and the refusal to examine
only confirms the suspicion.
i have said that i would
fight the good fight
and always believe
even through my doubting.
but i am a bit of a liar sometimes.
and sometimes i am made to be a liar.
even when i wish it wasnt so.
we sat in a room full of comfortable chairs and bibles.
he would speak.
they would respond.
and i, silent, would play catch with my imagination.
his words became too heavy to remain a ball.
"christians are not defined by who we are, or what we do."
the streets outside the window as dark and cold as my heart.
"christians are defined by our namesake Christ."
my shoes dirty and worn down.
"Christ is our everything. the reason why we breathe, live, go to work."
i would not look up at him.
i would not let him see the dishonesty of my face.
who is my everything?
its not who it once was.
will it ever be again?
those demons, whether or not they are small, can laugh like giants.
they laugh like champions.
"it haunts me" i think
as i turn the radio up
as i again drown out the noise.
close my eyes and try not to think at all.
9:38 a.m. - 2004-12-01
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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