its amazing how quickly a girl can change one's life.
probably less amazing for me, but nonetheless.
i have realized the last few days that i am quite obsessive compulsive with a lot of things.
i never really realized it, because everyone i knew fit nicely into my routine.
there is a time of day for me to update this diary.
there is a time of day for me to talk on the phone with people (if someone calls outside of that appointed time, i get really frustrated.)
every friday, i go to the earliest showing of whatever new movie came out. even if it sucks.
i always order the exact same food from the exact same restuarants.
there is my chair at the bookstore. the one i sit in every week for at least an hour at a time.
these things, are probably not enough for me to be seriously labeled as obsessive compulsive, but they are enough to show that i had a certain amount of control over my life.
if anything threatened that control, i would quickly remove it.
this, i think, is why i could go twenty three years without ever having a girlfriend.
i couldnt bear to lose control.
even if i was just losing control of what time i went to the movies on friday.
crazy?
more than likely.
so here now, is emily.
she is the biggest disruption that i have had in years.
i have no idea what will happen today.
in the same way that people have argued "if one verse of scripture is proven wrong, then the whole bible is unreliable." the same has gone with my daily routine.
i no longer have any control.
emily and i discussed this the other night.
she was the one who pointed out these obsessive behaviours.
they scared her.
she was afraid that i couldnt handle all of this, and would just lock her out of my life.
i couldnt deny that possibility.
i am also a bit frightened of her becoming part of the routine.
that seeing her will be just as heartless and void of passion as my obligatory look through the poetry section of the used bookstore every time i am in that part of town.
of course, another part of me is my tendency to seek out the bad in things.
to expect the worse case scenario.
to not allow myself to be happy.
(perhaps i dont feel like i deserve happiness. perhaps i just hate my smile.)
keeping that in mind, i continue to dive head in.
allowing my mind's endorphins to remind me that this is better than order.
love is more important than control.
i just hope i remember.
8:21 a.m. - 2004-09-18
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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