i realized last night that i am no longer able to read anything longer than a poem or a paragraph.
i keep losing focus.
beside my bed is a rather large pile of books.
each night a new one is added to the pile, as i try to find something my mind wants to hear, i usually give up within the first few lines.
i recognized symptoms of depression within me about six years ago.
no one believed me then, no one believes me now.
but these signs; my behaviour is becoming harder to ignore.
cant eat.
dont sleep.
cant read.
can barely write.
my mind feels so heavy,
i feel so lost.
all i can do is scribble words on paper, trying to document the inner workings of my mind.
i want to move again.
i probably will very soon.
though, i know deep down that moving will change nothing.
i want to do something radical.
something to make me feel alive.
but nothing i can think of seems radical enough.
i have become like a drug addict.
scouring empty streets at night searching for an angry fix,
searching for peace.
i would pawn off everything i own for a night's worth of normalcy.
i just dont know where to go.
and dont try to tell me that i need to talk to a pastor or get some prayer or anything like that.
been there, done that.
i have been told that it is all in my head.
i have been told that i should cheer up because i have nothing to be depressed about.
i have been told that i am just a whiner.
that i just need to stand strong with the word of God.
none of it worked.
when i confessed was afraid that i was going to take my own life my pastor continiously promised to get me some counseling,
but never did.
so here i am, a dirty religious exile wandering the streets,
hoping that insanity will cease,
so i can again enjoy a season of rest.
10:52 a.m. - 2004-06-03
Recent entries:
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The Paper - 2014-10-13
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