tossed and turned all night.
these thoughts, being heavier than all of me combined, kept me from staying horizontal, my feet kept flying up.
the conversation over a bottle of two liter coke and domino's pizza wasnt meant to be so serious.
we were supposed to be playing board games.
and then, somehow, and i am still not sure how, politics crashed uninvited into our party.
leaving us pacifists to explain why we think killing people is wrong.
leaving the conservatives to explain why sometimes war is for the greater good.
leaving me to lament on how the greater good is so often the lesser evil, and how much it sucks that nothing can be done about it.
somewhere in this God came up.
i didnt mean to blow up the way i did, to say as much as i said.
but i guess its been building in me for a while.
there was something said about how God told moses "thou shalt not kill." but then on the very same day orders moses to kill all those who were worshipping the golden calf.
and if God is love, then explain the numerous genocides that make up the book of joshua?
something was said about how we dont have all the answers but we still need to have faith in the character of God.
i said something about how that doesnt seem good enough.
that God so often seems bi-polar. destroying nations in the old testament just so he can save them in the new.
hope God took his prozac today.
there was something said about how i am not intending to defile or blaspheme the name of God. i am not stirring things up to stir things up. i am seriously trying to reconcile my faith with my intellect, because they have to be compatible if what we believe is really the truth.
it was supposed to be game night.
we were supposed to have fun and keep it light.
but i know too many people with cancer.
and i know too many people who give out answers like holloween candy, but nothing ever changes.
i know that i am dying here, and will not pretend that i have any or all of the answers.
i cannot "fake it till i make it" until my faith is restored.
i am asking questions believing that the truth will be revealed.
whatever the truth may be.
11:47 a.m. - 2004-05-28
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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