look, here's the deal.
i have been really unbalanced emotionally the last several weeks.
my highs being cosmic, my lows being hellish.
and it could just be my emotions talking here,
but i am so sick of being funny.
seriously.
here at my house, almost everything i say causes uproarious laughter.
housemate josh qoutes me all the time.
almost everyday someone asks me to repeat something i said earlier.
housemate don continously says "that ryans on a roll now."
its really starting to bug me.
i know that i probably shouldnt feel that way.
heck, its usually a good thing to be so adorned with praise.
but the thing is, i am not trying to be funny.
i am just being me.
my close friends do not consider me the funniest man on the planet.
sometimes i dont think they consider me funny at all.
because we speak the same language, we live the same absurdity, our sarcasm and witty banter is our most common form of communication.
but here, here i sometimes feel like some sort of novelty act.
"come one, come all! come see the amazing boy with a bad haircut and zippy one-liners. gasp, as he regals you with his knowledge of pop trivia. laugh as he asks extremely dumb questions. gawk at the weird clothes he wears. get your tickets now! amazing freak boy! one night only!"
its great to be in a place where you are admired
but is it better to be where you fit in?
sure cosmo kramer would no longer be the comic relief if he ditched jerry and elaine and all the others for some more like-minded company, but what if its no fun being the comic relief?
tonight it feels like thats all i have become.
i am kramer.
i am urkel.
i am uncle joey.
i am the entire cast of friends at one time or another.
just a caricature of an eccentric neighbor.
just here to lighten the mood.
and as i make my big entrance and the laugh track is turned up,
the heat of the spotlight melts away all that is left of me,
and i become nothing but a hollow smiling face.
9:56 p.m. - 2004-05-23
Recent entries:
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