we were quiet on the ride to the resturant.
just the occasional nod of approval concerning the music on the radio.
"i cant believe you know this band." she said."thats just too cool that you know them."
we talked briefly about movies (we share many favorites) and a little more about poetry.
i read some of mine inspite how akward i felt doing it.
sometime along the car ride, as i watched the suburbs coast along from outside my passenger seat window, i realized i was having a good time.
but not a romantic good time.
it troubled me.
its been months since i have really liked a girl, and years before her.
what was wrong with me?
i know i wasnt gay. i am still highly attracted to the female form, but as it seems, not to the female personality.
this girl would never be anything more than a friend to me.
we arrived at the chinese restuarant and i ordered the wrong thing again.i always want sesame chicken but i almost always order cashew chicken, thinking thats what sesame chicken is called. i can never figure out why.
i asked her to read her fortune cookie.
it was just the typical, smile and achieve your goals kind of fortune. the kind that doesnt mean anything.
i cracked open mine and read aloud:
"there is a good chance of a romantic encounter soon."
she blushed, and said "well, thats akward."
i tried to laugh it off.
the waiter dropped off another pair of fortune cookies.
her's said something about making a good business investmant.
mine: "the mood is right for a friendly chat to lead to romance"
DAMN YOU CHINESE!
she said something about fate.
i said something like "you never know"
but i did know.
i knew that the chinese were solely mistaken.
there would be no romance anytime soon for me.
we went to a movie, and she was quieted by my long discourse of why van helsing sucked.
"the stole from the lion king for God's sakes! and plus, why does dracula have an army of evil oompa loompas! and c'mon there is no way in hell that frankenstein can be that articulate and soulful. he doesnt have a soul!....."
she enjoyed the film.
we drove back to my car and said goodnight.
we didnt even shake hands.
as i drove back home my mind was filled with questions.
this girl was so right for me, why didnt i like her?
is it because i have such an idealized image of what a romantic relationship should be like that its impossible for me to ever settle for less?
should i settle? call her up, go on a second date. maybe even marry her. all without ever feeling a thing.
as i drifted off to sleep i realized that i would rather have nothing than a second hand version of my dreams.
that, and i am never taking a date for chinese again.
11:05 a.m. - 2004-05-10
Recent entries:
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