josh is a good man.
everyone who knows him would probably agree.
he always wears a smile, and seems genuinely interested in whoever it is that might be talking.
josh is in bible school.
josh has taken a vested interest in my spiritual life.
this is why i will probably end up not liking josh.
i have told him bits and pieces about my past.
christian upbringing,bible school, three years of ministry, etc...
and have told him a little bit about my present.
no longer in bible school or ministry
which has left him to assume what is more than likely true.
that i am a backslider.
he asks me questions all the time.
"do you consider yourself a christian?"
"i dont know, maybe, well, sometimes, uhm, yeah i dont really know."
"well, you go to church right?"
"yeah, every week."
"so why do you go? are you still searching for God?"
"honestly? its probably more guilt and religious obligation than anything else, and probably because....well, i dont know."
"what are your problems with christianity?"
"i dont know, i guess they are all cultural, you know? christians being jerks and all that. well, no. i dont really think thats true. i think i just say that as an excuse."
"well, what is it then?"
"i dont know."
those three words sum up the entirety of what i currently believe.
i dont know.
i dont know where i am with God.
i dont know what i believe.
i dont know how or why i came to be the way i presently am.
i dont know why i havent been able to pray for the last few years.
i dont know why reading the bible or going to church makes me angry.
i dont know why i feel so hollow, so fake, so hypocritical.
i dont know.
i dont know why i still go to church.
i dont know why my lifestyle never adds up to (at least what used to be) my professed beliefs.
i dont know if anything means anything.
if our beliefs matter at all.
i dont know if there is a reason to anything.
i just dont know.
solipsism
its where my life seems to be going.
8:40 p.m. - 2004-04-26
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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