i have known for some time, but have refused to admit, that my "faith issues" with God are in reality me looking to justify doing what i want.
in the recent weeks i have begun to wonder if removing God from the equation is even neccessary to fulfill my deep desires. or in other words, can i serve God and still do what i want?
for the majority of my existence there has been an inward struggle of God vs. art.
when i was young i loved to draw and write stories. that is how i spent half of my time.
the other half was spent playing church in the back yard with my neighbors, who incidentally, were irish catholic, mormon, and atheist (if thats not the start of a joke i dont know what is).
i had a hard time deciding between the two.
upon good christian counsel i realized that the former was nothing but foolishness and vain glory, and that the ministry was the only way that i could please God.
i wholeheartedly gave up drawing and writing and began to preach.
with the occasional dabble in christian art (christian art, to my denomonation, solely consists of singing, skits, and thomas kinkaide)
for a very long time now i have subconciously viewed christians who do art that is not strictly evangelistic in nature as backsliders.
thus the reason for my present state of backsliddeness.
i dont want to give up my art but i have always thought that God wanted to take it from me because it does not directly give glory to him.
i dont want to write christian novels or screenplays.
i have no interest in painting pictures of Jesus holding a little african child and a lamb.
i just want to make art.
i just want to write about the beauty and mystery of humanity.
i just want to expose the inside me to the world.
and now i am thinking, why wouldnt God like that?
doesnt that bring glory to him?
or do i have to always include a 1-800-number for people to call to recieve Jesus on everything i do?
i really dont know.
if it really is all about bringing people to Jesus, then nothing else matters and i am wasting my time writing secular poetry.
which would make me accountable for numerous lost souls.
but what if it is all about relationships? then what i do wouldnt matter near as much as who i am?
would it?is this conflict from God or from a religious upringing?
i really dont know.i really wish i did.
especially since i have decided to pursue my art wholeheartedly.
can i serve God and still do what i desire?
3:13 p.m. - 2003-10-03
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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