i used to confess my sins to people. especially pastors. i figured if anyone they could help me through the things that i could not get over myself. on most occasions i was desperate for help. with trembling hands and quivering lips i told them of my deep secrets and my insatiable desire for forbidden fruit. most just brushed this off. for some i think that my confession reminded them of how little they confessed. but i think that mostly people didnt think that what i was confessing was as extreme as i made it sound. after all, i was the kid that danced in worship.
the same went for accountability groups. no matter how hard i tried i couldnt make one stick. the only times that it would work was when i wanted to talk. the only time i wanted to talk was when i wasnt struggling. which was the only time i really needed accountability.
i eventually stopped telling people about what was going on in me. every time i want to i remember the past, and i become very angry. i am not sure if i am angry at me, God, or all the people that i couldnt talk to.
right now, i am apart of a church that is based on accountability groups. i am in one. but i never talk. last sunday, i was so filled with all these thoughts and all this condemnation and all this doubt, and i tried to pray, but God seemed so distant, and all i could do was cry. my pastor came up to me and offered his help. i explained that i had a hard time talking to pastors. i explained that they always seemed so busy and i didnt want to add extra burden. he gave me a pat on my knee, said something pastoral, and then walked off.
i dont know why i am saying all of this. i geuss i am just lonely. i geuss i just want to talk.
i'll settle for typing tonight.
3:06 a.m. - 1997-10-22
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