he went to the club upon the casual invitation of a friend.
he as usual began to make sullen observations to himself about the others among him.
most seemed (atleast to him) to be complete cultural philistines. wanting nothing more than a good beer and a good lay. he remarked to himself thoughts about how empty a life like that must be.
as the young man sat and listened to the band a surgence of emotions came over him
instantously he was filled with angst, frustration, hope, loneliness, and a monumental yearning for something that he could not quite put his finger on.
maybe it was just the music he thought.
as he walked out
out of his loneliness he walked along with his friend who only knew him for what he once was.
he laughed to himself when she mentioned his charismatic expression of worship, though inwardly he was sore in missing those days.
he muttered something about how that was such a long time ago and continued to walk
she spoke of how "cool" and "popular" he was considered
he shook it off not wanting to believe a word of it
they said goodbye and he began to aimlessly wonder the naked streets of the city. still feeling all the emotions he felt at the club, but now he was beginning to recognize them for what they were
he began saying to himself "there has got to be something more than this" repeatedly as if it were some kind of mantra intended to bring a new sense of enlightenment.
he could hear kerouac speak in excited whispers in his ear saying "live man, live"
he heard his heart respond "but i dont know how...i..i am too afraid"
he could see in his mind a book which he doesnt read nearly enough saying that Jesus brings life and life more abundantly.
he longed to know what was meant by that
he knew it was more than sex drugs and rock'n'roll.
but it also had to be more than young adult gym nights
he knew that true life had to be an adventure. some kind of mystifying experience.
he knew that there was more than philosphy and cheap intellectual thinking
he knew that life needed to be loved, cherished, and most importantly lived more than it needed to be evaluated
but he just didnt know how to go about loving life the way it was begging him to do so
and so there, as he wandered in front of the darkened coffee shop, he sat and he cried the most earnest of prayers
"lord, help me live"
6:10 a.m. - 1997-10-17
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