It's a little after 7 am. Looks to be a nice day outside.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I want to say I haven't been well mentally lately. But what does "lately" mean here? Have I ever been doing well?
I know that when I am down, I feel like I have always been and will always be down, which isn't exactly true.
But at the same time, it does feel that overall I have been struggling since I left the mental hospital a few years ago. And I was obviously dealing with stuff before that as people don't just check themselves into psych wards for nothing.
But either way, the last few weeks have been rough. Like it's always the rainy season, but some days are just light scattered showers and others more of a torrential downpour.
Right now, I am in the midst of another Crohn's flare-up. Been running to the bathroom every so often.
I've broken out in hives on my arms and torso. They burn, they itch.
I tried to watch a talk from the good Doctor Gabor Maté last weekend (but had trouble focusing, so I will try again soon). The gist of his talk was that auto-immune issues (like Crohn's and hives and chronic pain) can be the result of a lifetime of suppressing emotions, particularly anger.
I also read a post on a Crohn's forum a few weeks ago where it was suggested that in times of flare-up and outbreak, to look for the rage that you are presently pushing down.
That is interesting to me because I have a hard time expressing my emotions (outside of typing them out such as here), but especially anger. All of my friends now would say they have never seen me angry. It's a thing we've discussed. I typically say that I never feel angry, and that's true. I don't feel like I am actively suppressing it. But maybe I no longer have to. Maybe my anger now just naturally goes internal.
I don't want to go into it right now, but my girlfriend and I have been having these tense conversations that remind me a lot of the conversations you have right before a breakup. That might be in my head. I can never tell.
It might be that it is these types of conversations that make me want to break things off so that I no longer have to be having them.
My brain is churning around and spitting out memories and flashbacks. I see a pattern of me being passive and suppressive and unable to say the necessary things.
This presses on me and mixes with all the other delusions and abstractions in my brain. It builds up.
Yesterday, I accidentally stepped on my cat's tail. Just barely. But her cry of pain and her running and hiding from me just broke me.
I lay on the floor sobbing. Those whole body shaking, loud agonizing tears. This was caused by more than the cat. I needed the release and am grateful for it.
And speaking of release, time for me to throw up again.
I just want to be okay. But I don't even know what that means.
7:04 a.m. - 2024-03-08
Recent entries:
I don't know - 2024-03-08
Contemplations on a sexless Valentine's Day - 2024-02-15
Pushover Pt. II - 2024-02-06
Pushover - 2024-02-03
43 Years Young - 2024-01-24
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