I'm in a real "what the fuck does it even matter?" sort of mood.
Before me lies a full day with any number of possibilities.
There are things I am supposed to do, things I would enjoy doing, things to just fill the time.
I can do any of these things.
I especially should be writing or looking for on-the-road jobs or finishing a letter or writing about the person to whom I am sending the letter.
But much like that Bruno Mars song stuck in my head, today I just don't feel like doing anything. I just want to stay in my bed.
Which I know is a way that I feel a lot.
I know I am depressed. I know this season of my depression has lasted for much longer than any other. It's been years it seems like.
But there are still valleys in the valley.
Yesterday my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't leave my room. Not even to get more water from the kitchen.
Today I managed to walk the dog at sunrise (it's the only consistent part of my daily schedule)
And since I have picked up a couple of books and put them down when I couldn't focus. I laid facedown on the floor in the backroom, wanting to cry but not being quite able, until the dog found me started licking my ears.
This is my third attempt to write on here this morning. I deleted the other two because I had nothing to say.
I still have nothing to say.
My brain is resisting reality.
Even this is too much for me right now.
I feel so sad.
So drained.
I want so badly to stop feeling like this.
8:33 a.m. - 2021-08-04
Recent entries:
Where I've Been, Where I am - 2021-11-09
An attempt to cover some of the distance I have traveled. - 2021-10-17
Less of an update, more of a teaser of an update - 2021-10-16
Howl at the New Moon - 2021-09-10
Well, Well, look Who’s Inside Again (Went Out to Look For a Reason to Hide Again) - 2021-08-29
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