I've been trying to write something on here, but also have been avoiding it.
Sometimes the feelings, they have to gestate. Swirl up through my insides, fomenting and fermenting until at last they start to resemble words.
I have been reading a lot about attachment styles (I'm dismissive avoidant)
And thanks to fellow D-lander Lust, I have been reading up on my astrological bearings (Aquarius sun, Virgo moon, Libra rising. My Venus is in Capricorn, which has been illuminating)
I have also been deep in the Enneagram for a while now because of a few friends who are very into it (I am a 5w4)
My Myers-Briggs is INFJ
All of it keeps mentioning over and over the need to be alone. Like a lot. It indeed seems like a core tendency of me.
And it really has always been true. But I have always felt at least some guilt or shame about it. It's not good for man to be alone. That's the Bible. No man is an island. That might as well be the Bible.
One of the YouTube videos I watched on attachment (thank you, candikurlz for the suggestion), Thais Gibson, the host, said that a core wound of the dismissive avoidant is a feeling of being defective.
And God, did that ever sting like a hot knife.
Because I do. I always feel like I can't give enough or be open enough to make anyone happy. With my mother and past girlfriends, if I would open up a little, I could feel them pry at the cracks to get me to open up more.
I felt unsafe. They felt unsatisfied.
I am scared of people. I am scared of being vulnerable around them. I always feel that information will be used later to harm me or ensnare me somehow.
I am certain I will be abandoned sooner or later. So I never get too attached.
Reject them before they have the chance to do it to you.
But I hate rejecting people. I hate hurting people's feelings. Every time I do it gets stuck in my head and plays on some compilation loop of all the times I have been a disappointment or wasn't enough.
I retreat from the world because I don't want to add to that loop.
But my heart wants the whole world. I want to love and be loved. I want to feel deeply and let the juices of life flow down my chin.
But to be connected means pain.
No matter how much joy and bliss, it always ends in pain.
My pain. Their pain.
Pain because they want more than I can deliver.
And I don't know. People lie when they are in love. They say they are fine with things they are not okay with. They go along because they think I'll change. That they will be the one to warm my icy heart.
And it hurts them.
And it hurts me so terribly bad.
Because my heart isn't icy. My emotions are so big that you can't see them up close. They are too big to feel.
I float in the ocean of them. In good times, I have a boat and sail. In normal times, I am adrift.
I am rambling.
But Goddammit, I just want someone to love me for how and who I am.
I am tired of trying to change who I am to earn love.
I am weary of my mother, who called yesterday, weeping over the phone, telling me how sorry she is for everything and her biggest yearning is for me to get married and be happy.
Leaving me to console her as always.
I feel guilty for trying to protect myself from the world. Selfish. I am tired of letting people down.
If only they could accept that I am a different sort of person.
If only I could accept that.
I am trying to imagine a world where I am comfortable in my nature and am not always on some quixotic quest to "heal" or "fix" it.
Where I am able to lean into my power as an ultra-sensitive thinker and feeler that can bring beauty and healing to the world. Where I am not so battered down by the pain of mere existence.
I am trying hard. I am failing.
10:57 a.m. - 2021-05-18
Recent entries:
This last week - 2021-07-12
Papo The Wizard - 2021-06-18
This Week - 2021-06-08
Here I stopped dangerous thoughts mid-stream and changed course - 2021-05-30
I got interviewed in a thing - 2021-05-21
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