I clench my jaw a lot now. I don't know if I did before, but I have been noticing that I do it lately.
I have also noticed that my body is just tense all the time. My shoulders and back especially. It feels like I am always bracing myself to be punched or dunked in cold water.
I feel like my life would be damn near perfect if I could just get my brain and emotions to cooperate and get with the program.
But no, I am always tense and nervous and anxious. All day today I felt like I was going to get in trouble for something. Just clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth.
I hate my distaste for life. My lack of trust in the universe. I am always waiting for another anvil to drop. For my plans to fall through. For things to get worse.
I have been trying to remember what it was like before all this. Before depression and anxiety took center stage. I don't think I was ever carefree and optimistic. That's not my temperament. But things did seem fresh once. Less self conscious. I even enjoyed myself on occasion.
And now, somehow now is different. Heavier. More grey. Less worth it.
What do you do when a season of depression lasts for years? When food and music and sex and laughter just don't feel as good as they used to? When everything feels flat?
The world is literally on fire. Everyone I know is suffering. And I came on here to try to write something funny or hopeful or something.
Because fuck, man. I want to feel funny or hopeful.
Or something. I want to feel something. Something other than tension and worry and numbness.
I keep playing around with external circumstances,
I quit my job to be a full-time writer only to be paralyzed by anxiety and now also frozen with the stress of not being able to pay the bills again.
I contemplate faking my death and moving to Alaska and finding work on a fishing boat or something.
I wonder if I just did this, or stopped doing that, or went there, then things would be cool.
But I don't think that's how it works.
It's all in my head. It's all how I am seeing the world.
I need to fix the insides first.
The only way out is through. I need to find some healing or a breakthrough or a younger, better-looking Jesus to believe in.
I need something that will awaken the something that is already sufficient inside me.
I need to be able to convince myself that I am okay. That I am safe. That I am worth taking care of.
But that's way easier said than done.
9:04 p.m. - 2020-01-20
Recent entries:
Fingernails and Agoraphobia - 2020-02-27
Man is Condemned to his Freedom - 2020-02-13
Tell the Man in C-3PO Socks How You are Feeling. - 2020-02-10
How do Hermits pay the rent? - 2020-01-31
39 - 2020-01-24
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