I am in Chicago. In a library somewhere on the south side.
I am not doing well. I am shivery and jittery and shaky and a little light headed. I've eaten today (though I really couldn't afford to), so I don't think it's entirely physiological. It could be that I had coffee today for the first time in a while. It's likely something else.
New York was crazy. A blur of walking and absorbing and processing deep things. I struggled with money daily, but somehow always managed to eat at least once a day.
I arrived in Chicago without any place to stay. I managed to find a good deal on a nice hotel for the first two days, even though it took about half of the money that I have for the entire month. Last night, Sass and I found a place on couchsurfing for free, but they didn't get home until 11:30pm and we had to leave by 8 this morning.
So we spent all of yesterday like true homeless people sitting on a bench overlooking Lake Michigan, surrounded by all our earthly belongings. We sat there all day. Sass got there at around 11 am. I got there around 5, because I had to lug my stuff from the suburbs to the city. I walked 7 miles with probably around 150 lbs of stuff on my back.
So I am exhausted and weary and so tired of the uncertainty of the road right now.
The tour is finished on Sunday and Sass and I are going to spend a few days at a monastery outside of Minneapolis (if we can figure out how to get there) before going our separate ways. She back to Denver.
As for me, the plan was to find a way (some way, some how) to get back to Philadelphia, where I would live in the basement of my friend who is an Episcopalian priest and try to have one of those romantic relationship things with the woman that I met while I was there.
This morning, I daydreamed of having an apartment of my own again and throwing dinner parties and being able to just be home when I want and having solid friendships and maybe a real partnership.
But then, I got a call.
Someone bought me a car today.
Someone being one or more anonymous Christians. It's a great car. 2007. Sun Roof. Great mileage. Most people would be thrilled. I should be thrilled.
But I don't really want it.
I think I liked the simplicity of no choice. Of doing the most feasible thing and getting a job and finding some rest.
And I can still get that.
But not right away.
Now, I have to find my way to Texas where I will pick up this car and then somehow find a way to pay for insurance and gas so that I can get somewhere where I can live.
And maybe it's because I can't afford to feed myself right now, but the idea of having those kind of extra expenses and logistical hurdles makes me feel overwhelmed.
Added to that is that there is several weeks worth of tension building up between my tour mates. We are supposed to "talk it through" tomorrow, and I am dreading that with everything. I am not good at asserting myself or defending my boundaries. I am fine not ever talking about the things that irritate me. But having to sit and hear about all the ways I am being irritating makes me feel tense and on the verge of tears.
I just want to say "I'm sorry, but shit, all my energy is going towards not killing myself right now. That or trying to find money to survive. I don't give a shit if you feel I am not hanging out enough or whatever."
This is all just weariness.
Just a total inability to make any more decisions or do anything else at all.
I am so tired.
There is no rest in sight.
5:36 p.m. - 2018-10-09
Recent entries:
I don't know. I don't know. - 2018-11-16
An attempt to write. - 2018-11-14
Texas - 2018-11-08
A Car, Some Poverty, A Lady - 2018-10-24
Feeling good (in the hood) - 2018-10-11
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