I am in a hotel in Iowa. A little bit high, debating the merits of C.S. Lewis.
This is the end of day 2 of my new travel adventure. Traveling with three other people is, naturally, way different than traveling alone. I feel myself bristle at small petty things. I like to pretend I am in control of my little world. But I am not. I never really was.
Case in point, as we left yesterday morning I received a notification that I was overdrawn at the bank. I borrowed a hundred bucks from Sass (the one person I have traveled with before) to cover the $70 I was overdrawn (the product of two auto withdrawals that I thought had already went out. Dumb mistake). But now I’ve got twenty dollars in my pocket and it will be my turn to buy gas again soon.
This is a real adventure. True trust and faith in some unseen and perhaps unknowable force that I somehow believe has told me to risk everything and go.
It is a real adventure in learning how to deal with others too. Live in community. That sort of thing.
Alessandra (Sass) is beautiful and perfect. As I have said, we have travelled together before and we just naturally sync well. She and I have begun dreaming about creating the world’s first secular monastery (first that we know of anyway. Or one of the only at the very least).
This morning we sat outside an old church and prayed the morning liturgy and read off a few other prayers that she has in this old book for monks.
I prayed the liturgy for finances to myself with true sacred earnestness. there was a line which said “when we are anxious about money, O Lord, we can slip so easily into the downward spiral of believing that simply having more of it would guarantee our security. As if our security could ever rest anywhere outside of you, O God.” And I really liked that.
Even though I don’t fully believe in God (at least not the Christian God. At least not now). I do like the idea of saying small prayers throughout the day and for specific circumstances. It consecrates time and makes one more mindful and grateful throughout the day.
In fact, earlier this afternoon I got a text from a poet friend who sends me random aphorisms throughout the day. He said “may gratitude roll out before you like a red carpet.”
And I responded that today it feels like I am the carpet being rolled out for gratitude. That she is the real star and I am just the platform on which she shines.
And perhaps that’s dumb or overly mystical or not mystical enough. But I do feel deeply grateful that I am somehow surviving and used some of my last dollars to buy an amazing sandwich and ate it with great contentment at the lake in fucking small town Iowa.
I live a charmed live. A goddamned charmed life.
Amanda is another travel companion. She is the editor-in-chief of a magazine that never accepts my work (but I also never send them my best stuff, so there’s that). She is sweet and shy and very quiet. I know she is struggling with anxiety some and it did not help that we accidentally got her way too high today. I can’t tell if she is enjoying the trip or not. Neither she nor Josiah laugh much or relish in the same simple joys that Sass and I do (Sass said it was a great day because she got to see two frogs. I am overjoyed at how stereotypically American small town Iowa is), but I keep hoping they’ll come around. Amanda smiled so sweetly when we told her she should pick out the music today (“well...I did make some playlists”), that I think she will end up having a lot of fun before the week’s over. But alas, she is only with us a week then she flies back to Denver.
Josiah, I will admit, is a bit more problematic. It is possible that we are just two guys somehow stuck subconsciously in some primal alpha male bullshit (if so, I will gladly concede), but my suspicion right now is that we are both just used to getting our way without being questioned. He is a real Captain Kirk (and I mean that in both the flattering and unflattering ways) and I am striving hard to be a Picard (my bald spot is getting bigger, so success?). So we will see how this goes.
So far, I am doing my best to not be annoyed or be annoying. So far, he has being real rough on my car’s transmission, run out of gas a few miles from an exit, forgot to lock the car last night after taking it to go drink with some friends, and made plans with his mom tomorrow at 11 when we had previously discussed and agreed to leave at 7 so as to get to our next destination in time for the thing we have tomorrow night.
It is also a frequent occurrence for him to come up with an idea and tell (not ask) one of us to do it, and then for one of us to say “I actually already did that three days ago. I sent it to you in an email.” But I think this is his first big road trip too and it is my sincere hope that the highway will soften some of those edges and we will begin to really flow and sync together. I’ll check the prayer book to see if there is something for harmony and peace.
As for me, my prayer is for more patience, grace, mercy, humility, and selflessness. I know I can be cocky and crabby and domineering and so very egotistical. I am the worst kind of know-it-all, I am the know-it-all that thinks he is spiritual and enlightened.
Christ, that has to be hard to deal with.
I hope everyone has the ability to put up with me.
9:38 a.m. - 2018-09-03
Recent entries:
Hungry in NYC - 2018-09-28
Sick - 2018-09-24
Back in Philly - 2018-09-20
Still in Florida - 2018-09-17
I guess we will walk then. - 2018-09-12
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