I don't really know what to say here.
I am definitely at that stage of depression where literally everything seems like an insurmountable task. Especially writing.
I am at that stage of depression where there is no more swimming towards the shore, no more flailing the arms and struggling, just the slow sinking to the bottom.
At least it's quiet down here.
There is the weird stuff. Like I keep getting in trouble at work because of my "attitude." I have been told to smile more. I don't care if they fire me.
The last few weeks have been overly anxious.
I have been terrified of writing, of job hunting, of leaving my apartment.
I had this feeling that I was at this moment where big things were about to happen and all I needed to do was step out.
But I couldn't step out.
I was paralyzed in fear.
Absolutely petrified.
Now, I suspect that the feeling of monumental change was probably just an illusion anyway.
That nothing ever changes.
That taking action or remaining positive or whatever might produce a temporary change, but I always come back here eventually.
My therapist told me yesterday that she has seen me go through some dark times but that I always get through them.
I thought no, I was born in the dark times. I have moments of brightness, but I always descend.
Noticing how bad I was, she suggested we do some EMDR therapy. It used to always make me break down with some heavy weeping. It helped me find my core and get some healing and relief.
Yesterday, I could feel emotion welling up inside me but then get blocked off. My whole body rejected it. My shoulders tensed, my tongue swelled, there was a buzzing in my ears.
It felt like too much. That if I allowed myself to break down I would never be able to come back from it.
That's how fragile I feel right now. That is why I think I have been so terrified. I just can't handle another disappointment. I really honestly feel like I couldn't survive it.
At one moment during the EMDR session, my therapist asked me what I was noticing. She said my face and body had shifted.
I told her that I briefly had this vision of me at some BBQ, holding my newborn baby and laughing, looking happier than I have ever seen myself.
But then my brain stopped that image and replaced it with the message "remember when you were able to believe in that kind of future for yourself? How foolish and naive you were to believe that anything good could ever happen."
When I told her that, she said she wanted to cry.
I wanted to cry too, but I couldn't.
There are no tears here at the bottom of the sea.
There is no one coming to the rescue.
No one can hear you.
No sunlight.
Just the pretty quiet blue.
Just that warm sleepy feeling that comes with slowly running out of air.
2:32 p.m. - 2017-08-10
Recent entries:
A very over-extended metaphor - 2017-09-05
Mystery Mail - 2017-08-29
I Really Liked This One (But It Always Ends up the Same) - 2017-08-26
Is there a difference between giving up and surrender? - 2017-08-25
To the Mountains! - 2017-08-21
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