Thoughts of death are never far from me these days.
I had thought I had snapped out of it. Or at least was beginning to.
I was making active changes. Looking for a better job, eating a little better, not isolating, meditating some.
But then I almost passed out at work on Friday. I became violently ill and couldn't figure out the cause of it.
I called into work yesterday, left work early today, and called in tomorrow.
And though I am feeling fatigued and nauseated and my lymph nodes are sore and inflamed, I have a sneaking suspicion that what I am experiencing is just stress.
Because in addition to the literal constant pain of being alive (hey, chronic illness) and my struggling to pay my bills, and my stupid never-ending loneliness, there is stuff that I have simply ignored because I haven't wanted (or been able to) deal with.
Like my $70,000 in medical debt and my $60,000 dollars worth of student loans (first payment due this week. I don't have it).
Additionally, the world is in so much suffering. Everyone is suffering. My pain gets lost in the cries of others.
I don't even want to write on here everything that's weighing on me because it doesn't really matter does it?
I am just another sad and lonely sack of shit. With no idea what to do and no one particularly caring all that much.
I am not going to do it (yet), but this really does seem like the most ideal time to kill myself.
My relationships are all surface level at best, so the amount of suffering caused by my death will be negligible. At least in relation to every other time of my life up to now.
Time is just making everything worse.
The dreams I used to have seem cheap and broken. And as much as I am really trying to manifest a better future for myself, I seem really bad at it.
My life is dissolving. There is not much here really. There is no longer very much to me at all.
I can't get out of my head.
I can't make the thoughts stop.
I can't make the pain stop, nor can I accept it and release it the way I have before.
I need a major break from the universe, but I have no reason to hope for one.
It's all on me. I am alone. No one will rescue me.
And frankly, I can't think of a good reason to keep going.
5:47 p.m. - 2017-06-11
Recent entries:
Mountaintop - 2017-07-04
Honor the Sacred - 2017-06-28
An odd sort of reflection - 2017-06-26
New Writing Desk. - 2017-06-25
I am finally starting to understand the things I have long proclaimed - 2017-06-16
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