I wrote a poem this last Tuesday morning.
I don't write much poetry these days. So occupied with school and what not. Just haven't felt it.
But I felt it Tuesday morning.
I had trouble sleeping. It was the first time since last March that there was someone sleeping beside me.
I think the sheer thrill of it, the endorphins that came with her touch, kept me awake.
I'd wake up and touch her gently and she would always roll over back onto me, cuddling with me, letting me hold her tight.
And as I watched the blue-grey light slowly fill up her room and made a mental note of her books and art and knick-knacks;
as I watched the metronome of her lungs create a rhythmic raising in her naked chest;
as I felt the caress of her fingers on my skin, a sensation I have not felt in months;
I realized how badly I never wanted that moment to end.
So I snuck out of bed and grabbed my little notebook that I carry with me.
I described the scene as best as I could.
I wrote about how I was digging my heels into the earth in an attempt to slow it down just for a moment.
She woke up as I wrote and kissed me sweetly.
We had sex again and then spent hours just laying in bed talking.
I feared I had overstayed my welcome.
I was almost late for school.
I knew better than to get my hopes up.
I knew she wasn't looking for anything serious. But I was excited at the prospect of having an occasional hook-up.
I spent the whole week with a new air of confidence.
I felt handsome and wanted and sexy.
I asked a girl from school out and she said yes immediately. There was even some distinctive desire in her eyes.
I was feeling real good.
But then out of nowhere on Friday, I felt my anxiety creep back out of nowhere.
I tried to fight it, tried to resist.
But I felt shaken and terrified that I was going to sink so quickly back to that hell that I have been living in for months.
I realized then that the woman from Tuesday had not texted me back since that day.
I sent her another text, but I know the drill. She's gone. I will never hear from her again.
Then out of nowhere the person that I asked out at school cancelled our date for tonight and said that she appreciated me asking her out but she isn't interested in dating right now.
I am really trying hard to not get all depressed and anxious again. I do not want to go back to feeling unlovable and worthless. I liked feeling the way I did this week. I liked thinking I was desirable and cute and fun.
But God, I really enjoyed being touched. I enjoyed giving pleasure and watching her face react.
I loved every second of it.
I hope it is not another 7 or 8 months before I get to experience that again.
I hope that I don't lose my nerve.
That all of this rejection does not cause me to retreat back into my shell, but that rather I keep putting my self out there.
Because I am going to need that sense of boldness as I take the giant leaps I am planning to take after graduation.
But I am truly terrified right now.
Terrified of the future, of failure, of forever being alone.
And since I can't turn it off,
my only choice is to walk into the storm.
9:01 p.m. - 2016-11-06
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