I had the sweetest dream last night.
It started out weird and fun. I had to travel back in time to get each Weezer album autographed by the band during their first tour for each album. It was somehow implicitly understood that this would stop Donald Trump from being president.
The problem though, was that it was more of a Quantum Leap type time travel as opposed to Back to the Future. When I went back I would occupy my own body at that time. So It was really hard to convince my mom to let me fly alone to New York at 13 to see Weezer's tour for the Blue album.
But then the dream transitioned. And I was visited by Emily. My sweet and beautiful Emily.
She hadn't come back to life or anything. We both knew and discussed that this was just a dream and that she would only be here tonight.
I told her how much she would love The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. We talked about what our apartment would look like.
But mostly I just held her and caressed her and kissed her.
And yes, we made love. I know people can fade from one's memory, but I swear I still remember every detail about her. Her face, the curve of her hips, the sounds of her voice.
It was sweet and tender and so incredibly loving.
I was sad to wake up.
Emily,was the last woman to really love me. Emily, who it sometimes seems will be the last one to love me.
Dead now for seven years.
Of course this dream was brought on because of Erica. Who freaked out about our new relationship and pulled away rapidly and completely.
Which caused me to freak out and turn in to a monster of insecurity. Which further scared her and drove her farther away.
I don't know if I will ever see her again.
Maybe she will come back.
But right now, I am back to being alone and painfully unloved.
I wish I could go back to sleep where there was someone who loved me despite my insecurities and depression. Who was patient with me.
I would sleep forever if I could.
6:41 a.m. - 2016-03-15
Recent entries:
Day by Day - 2016-03-31
Grandma Hope Chest - 2016-03-29
How it soothes the anguished heart - 2016-03-28
Depressed - 2016-03-26
Prime of Life - 2016-03-19
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