Over the last few months, I have been sleeping with two women.
Bethany is my co-worker. Basically my boss. We have to keep everything on the down low, because she would be fired if anyone found out. She also wants to keep things quiet because she has a kid and wants to avoid disruption as much as possible.
She is a pastor's kid (like me) and half-Japanese. And I don't know if it's because of our similar upbringing, but we share a lot of the same kinks. Just a few moments ago, she sent me a snapchat of her masturbating. She also likes to tie me up and tease and deny me relentlessly. I find that more than a little thrilling.
Or I did, anyway. At the beginning.
The other is Alayna, my ex who has frequented these pages many times. I don't know what it is about her. She has treated me badly in the past and I have done the same to her, but still I have felt drawn to her since the moment we first met. She is captivating. I am still very much in love with her. I was trying to get back together with her when I met Bethany. I am still trying to get back with her. But she just won't have it. She is desperately trying to move away from Colorado and as such is reluctant to start up a thing. I think she also might be scared. I know that I am scared. She is one that I could easily commit to. When we lay in bed, we talk of having children together and the idea of it seems easy and natural for the first time in my life.
But if I am being honest, like I am trying to be now, neither of these women are the one for me.
Bethany is too intense and invasive. I don't want to talk about every little emotional thing that's happening to me. At least not right away. Let's build up to things. She is a full speed ahead kind of a lady. A little bit exhausting. It's turned me off from the whole thing. I am trying to end it with her, but have yet to find a way to do so that will enable us to still work together in a friendly way.
And with Alayna, I don't know. I guess I always feel like she is not actively choosing me. That this is a thing that is just happening to her right now. It's a thing she enjoys, but would be fine if it were to go away.
I don't know where I am going with this. I am just tired and my mind isn't working the way it should.
All I know is that when I close my eyes to sleep, I can picture the kind of woman I want to end up with.
I wonder if she exists.
5:05 p.m. - 2015-07-25
Recent entries:
Maybe we are all just selfish assholes - 2015-09-18
Lonely - 2015-08-23
New Jobs - 2015-08-19
Lessons Unlearned - 2015-08-09
Job Stuff - 2015-07-30
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