It has been said that your view of God is based on your relationship with your earthly father.
Which might explain why God seems like such an asshole to me.
Okay, let me step that back a bit.
As mentioned in my previous two entries, my therapist wants me to write about my relationship with my parents. I am to write about our relationship when I was a child and speculate as to how it may have affected my adulthood and present day relationships.
I have never been allowed to not like my father.
If a negative thought about my dad ever crossed my mind, I would quickly push it away.
Why?
Because my dad is a pastor.
And if there was one thing that was drilled into my head as a kid, it was that one does not disrespect a man of God.
Remember that bible story (found in 2 Kings 2:23-25) about Elisha and the kids who made fun of him for being bald? Those kids got eaten by fucking bears.
I was told this story often as a child. It was a cautionary tale.
In the Pentecostal tradition (of which I was raised), pastors and missionaries and "men of God" were "anointed." They carried special favor from God. It was a sin to disrespect them. To go against spiritual authority is to go against God himself.
Additionally, people would tell me all the time how great my dad was. How he was a man of integrity. How he has helped them so much. Even now I am told this all the time.
And all of this makes me feel guilty.
I feel guilty because I have thought negative thoughts about my dad.
My brother and I grew up defending our father. Church politics can be gruesome. There were people who criticized my father. Often in front of me. I would go to a friend's house after church and their parents would talk shit about my dad's speaking style or why he preached any particular sermon. They carried grudges against trivial things my dad would do.
We had to stick up for him.
In my lifetime, my dad has had to fire three associate pastors for sexual immorality. Each time, my dad would get the blame. People would say that he lacked grace and mercy, that he wasn't being Christ like.
These are just a few examples. This entry is going to end up being very long. This is going to be hard to write though and I need to build up to it. This will be the first time that I speak ill of my father and I want it to be clear why I have never done so.
Because it is a sin.
Because I don't want to disparage his reputation.
Because he was unfairly attacked by bitter asshole Christians.
These are the reasons why I felt I was never allowed to say anything against my dad.
I was also terrified of him.
My dad is the youngest of seven kids. He was raised on a ranch in New Mexico by a drunken and abusive father.
My dad had his second DUI by the time he was 16.
He was given the option of jail or the military, so he enlisted in the navy.
He had a dramatic conversion to Christianity the night before he went to bootcamp.
My dad has been in the ministry for 43 years. This is impressive since he was undiagnosed as dyslexic for most of his life. He is still not a strong reader and frequently gets words mixed up when he is preaching.
That might be his appeal though. He is folksy and straight forward and unpretentious.
He always said that a lot of preachers are show horses: they look pretty and attract a crowd, but they don't have a lot of staying power. But he was a work mule. He may be a bit slow and not flashy, but he worked hard and would get the job done.
I can see why that's appealing. Especially to the very blue collar community that my dad is the pastor of.
But there is a side of my dad that the church doesn't see.
He is not an affectionate man. He has only taken to hugging me in the last few years and it always feels weird.
I can't recall him ever saying that he loved me.
In fact, we have never really had a relationship at all.
I was bookish, and due to my illness, stayed inside all of the time.
He was rugged and outdoorsy and thought I needed to "man up."
As a result, we have never had a conversation that lasted more than five minutes. Unless it was about church. We used to be able to talk about church.
Another big reason why my loss of faith and decision to leave the ministry has been such a hard one.
My dad also had a horrible temper. He would throw things and break things and yell horribly loud.
He was terribly frightening.
My brother was much stronger willed than I and would sometimes push back to my dad's authority. And that would almost always turn physical. One time, my dad broke my brother's arm because he refused to get a hair cut.
I was terrified of the man. I dreaded being in the same room as him because I didn't know what might set him off.
He wasn't like that all the time, but he was like that enough for me to always be afraid. I never felt good enough for him. He disapproved of all my interests and tried to force me to take part in his hobbies. It would always end in disaster though.
Each time he took me hunting, fishing, skiing, or anything else, he would end up losing his patience with me and yelling at me.
He rarely hit me. He didn't have to. I would cower on the ground as if I had just been slapped.
But he was always so nice to everyone else. A lot of my friends came from broken homes and my parents would have them over for dinner all the time. My dad would joke and play with these kids. I think it was easier for him as a pastor to take care of strangers.
My mom said that since his dad was abusive, he never learned how to be a father.
That may be true. I don't really care. I just wish he was a dad to me.
They say that one's view of God stems from one's relationship with their own dad.
Which is why God has always been:
distant
disapproving
angry
someone to be appeased.
My mom gives me and my brother a lot of pressure to spend time with my dad now. According to her, he really wants to connect with us and make up for the abuse he inflicted when we were kids. We just need to reach out and let him know we love him.
Fuck that.
He has arms. He can reach out.
Until then, I will go on with this little charade. When people tell me what a man of God he is, I will just smile and agree and try to not let my face reveal the truth.
Up next: Pastor's Kid Confidential
8:04 a.m. - 2014-07-23
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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