I feel a million times better today.
Yesterday morning, I was able to confide how down I was and how intent I have been on suicide to an old friend. He responded perfectly. No judgement, just grace and love.
He had been where I am, he struggles the way I do. We just spent some time loving each other. God, what a refreshing experience that is. Even though he is in Texas and I am in Colorado, I felt like he was holding me.
he told me, "I hope you cry ugly tears like I did. And that your face looks puffy and fucked up all day like mine too."
I did cry like that, Justin. It was beautiful.
And then yesterday afternoon, I finally got to have a long conversation with Nina.
She explained everything. I won't go into all of it here, but all of the mixed signals I was getting from her--including the fact that she would have sex with me and then completely stop responding to my calls or texts--makes perfect sense now.
We talked for hours and agreed that it was over. She cried because she really wanted something with me, but was just not in a position to make it work.
And I'll tell you, I felt so relieved.
Obviously it's not the way I wanted it to turn out. I think we would have been amazing together.
But at least now I know. And that is really something.
Uncertainty rules everything in my life right now. I just couldn't handle anymore of it.
So all that said, I am still not out of the woods.
But at least now I have again stood up on my feet and am searching for the path to get out of here.
9:26 a.m. - 2014-06-08
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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