This week is kind of a big week, decision wise (and if anyone gets that movie reference, I'll kiss them right here on the spot).
I'm out of money, see? And I'm still waiting on disability benefits (which could be as long as a year before I hear anything) and I need to live and eat and sleep under a roof. This has left me wit trying to decide whether I should move back in with the folks or try to figure something out here.
So I decided to fast this week. I thought if the divine guidance didn't come from it, I would still have some clarity of mind to help me choose (plus, I'd save on grocery bills!)
So this afternoon, on my second day of failing to fast, a thought occurred to me:
I am really bad at fasting.
And then this thought:
I really have no self-discipline.
And then this major revelation:
I REALLY have no self-discipline.
At first I made a little excuse. "Well, with the chronic pain and all...
You know, I'm just having a pretty bad..."
What? Day? Week? Year? Decade?
My God,I thought, the chronic pain has just been a convenient excuse for me to continue the self-destructive behavior that I've had since I was in my teens.
In fact, my whole twenties was squandered with laziness, self-doubt and self-hate, listlessness and passivity.
I've just been waiting for someone to save me. I've been hiding out in my room, waiting for someone to realize my potential.
I thought about life at my parents. How I wouldn't have any friends and would just be stuck inside all day. Then I realized that's my life here in Denver.
This is beyond the physical pain. I need to change my life. Quit these bad habits and actually start living.
Now, this is not the first time I've had revelations like this. My problem is that I lack the self-discipline to have self-discipline.
This time though, it finally dawned on me that if I learned how to foster self-discipline than I could actually change my life.
So that's what I am trying to do. Here in Denver (where I will stay). Right now.
It's time for me to man up and finally take some responsibility for myself.
Let's just hope it sticks.
7:37 p.m. - 2012-10-30
Recent entries:
Awake in My Tiny Cage - 2014-11-03
God. - 2014-10-27
I remember me. - 2014-10-17
The Paper - 2014-10-13
A Post About Not Doing Anything - 2014-10-12
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